Day three of the new year and I'm still trying to get my land legs under me. Some days I feel like I'm walking in quicksand. But I'm learning that when you try to fight your way out of the quicksand that you only get sucked deeper into it. So I'm trying to be still. To give myself time. To take slow, deep breaths and wait this out. Peace is coming but it's not showing up today. It's only been two weeks since I awoke from my coma. I can't expect to be normal just like that. I've heard that it takes half the length of the time that the relationship lasted to get over it, so for me, that'll be about five months, which puts me into May. I kinda dread May. I got married on May 9. But, hey, it's five months away. Maybe by then I'll be able to smile and think happy thoughts about that day one year ago. I wonder how I'll be on February 26. That's the day I slipped and fell into the coma. But again, it's two months away and I'm getting ahead of myself. For now, I must take one day at a time. Though I feel lost and out of sorts right now, I have to believe that in time, I'll find myself. I'll feel normal again,whatever normal is. I've actually had a few moments here and there recently where I've almost convinced myself I made the whole thing up. I FAKED IT! IT NEVER HAPPENED! I TRICKED EVERYONE! But then I feel the pain in my chest and I know it's real. I awaken before dawn and for a few seconds I have no idea where I am. In my bed in Texas? In a hotel in Texarkana? Or Dallas? No. I'm in my old bed in Shaker Heights, in my room with the blue and cream striped wallpaper that reminds me of a French boudoir, with my heart beating so fast that I wonder what's keeping it from running right out of my chest.
When I was 18 I got my heart broken BADLY. I mean it got shattered beyond all recognition. I never truly got over that heartbreak--it informed every relationship I ever had thereafter and never in a good way. But now I know why it happened. It happened to me at 18 to prepare me for when it happened to me at 53. This time I saw it coming and I was able to prepare myself for the aftermath. Well, for how to deal with it anyway. I can't let this time wreck me like it did the first time. Instead of giving into the pain and making wrong choices about relationships, this time I'll learn the lesson the universe is teaching me. I truly believe the universe is unfolding exactly as it should even though it doesnt always feel like it. One day I will learn why it happened to me. It happened for a reason yet to be revealed to me. But I'll know in time. I've already learned one valuable lesson that I intend to implement into my daily life. I learned that there is another way to live besides the way I was living before my coma. I was on the right track with my life before, but I hadn't completely nailed it. Here's what I confirmed:
There is absolutely no need for impatience, unkind words, cruelty or rudeness. Every situation can be handled with a gentle voice, a calm demeanor, courtesy and patience. There is no need for road rage. There is no need to freak out over a broken plate, a dented bumper, a spilled drink, a failed exam, a bill that can't be paid or a dream unfulfilled. It just doesn't help. Every question has an answer and every problem has a solution. It's our mission to figure it out. Even if it takes ten weeks and breaking someone's heart to get the answer. Or if it takes a lifetime. Just stay calm, cool and kind. That's the way we lived in Texas every day, even when it was clear that there was something terribly wrong beneath the surface. We stayed calm, used quiet voices and spoke kindly. When someone broke the kindness rule, they were called on it...with kindness. It's the only way to live--without fear of being criticized or yelled at or made to feel inferior. We were allowed to make mistakes without fear of reprisal. We were allowed to live in peace even when a silent war raged all around us.
I'm done philosophizing for now. But I'm not done searching for answers to the big questions--the whys and the whens and the hows. Everything will be revealed in time. I'm gonna figure it out...and whatever your dilemma is, you'll figure it out, too. Good luck to all of us!
Until next time,
KH
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