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Friday, January 10, 2014

The Mystery of Music

Yesterday was elduck's 49th birthday. I sent him a happy birthday text and we did have an occasion to speak on the phone where I again wished him a happy birthday. I didn't ask him what his plans were for his special day because I didn't want to know. Knowing too much about what he's doing these days is still too upsetting for me. Because of this, I had to unfriend everyone I knew in Texas so I wouldn't learn things about his life that could set me back in my recovery. Now, that being said, don't think I'm sitting around crying and moping all day. I most definitely am not! (I did the first week I was back in Ohio but I was beginning to want to punch my own face so I snapped out of it). That's not to say that I don't get sad from time to time. My wound is still fresh and will be for a while, but I can handle it. And the only reason I'm bouncing back as fast as I am is because I have formed a new and interesting friendship with someone who walked in my shoes. If I'd only known then what I know these last days I have learned so much about the world I was enmeshed in down there in Texas. I knew something was wrong in my world but I couldn't figure it out and when I left Texas on December 20, I still didn't know what had happened to me...but I do now. My eyes have been opened and boy, have I seen the proverbial light. I have to keep what I've learned close to my chest for now, but that's what memoirs are for. I will continue writing my memoir from my own innocent perspective as everything unfolded in Texas, but thank goodness for epilogues and afterwards! Only then can I divulge what I learned.
Music is very important to me--it was to me and elduck as a couple, too, and played a big part in our relationship. At the very beginning it seemed like the universe (or the record companies) was writing the soundtrack to our romance. So many songs completely encapsulated our love as it unfolded. So many artists like Justin Timberlake, Hunter Hayes, Muse, Phillip Phillips, etc., had songs out that could have been written just for us. And now I find that the universe (or the record companies) is still at it. It's playing songs that completely align with our ending. And there is one song in particular that I first heard before I left Texas that, when I first heard it, I felt like I'd been kicked in the head. I was stunned by the lyrics and I still am. I hear the song all the time, even now, as it gains in popularity and I'm only just beginning to be able to listen to it without falling apart. The reason this song is so appropriate is because there are actual lyrics in it that I spoke to elduck long before the song was ever released on the radio (at least my radio). I had NEVER heard the song before I spoke lines of it to elduck way back in the later summer and early fall. I'm going to put the lyrics in this blog and hope I don't get sued. I didn't write the song, but I lived it--every word. The song is by A Great Big World and Christina Aguilera and it's called, "Say Something." When you read the following lyrics, imagine my voice, saying the words to elduck. It could have happened. It did happen. It's that right on on the money.

"Say Something" by A Great Big World featuring Christina Aguilera, written by Ian Axel, Chad Vaccarino and Mike Campbell and produced by Dan Romer

"Say something, I'm giving up on you.
I'll be the one, if you want me to.
Anywhere I would've followed you.
Say something, I'm giving up on you.

And I am feeling so small.
It was over my head
I know nothing at all.

And I will stumble and fall.
I'm still learning to love
Just starting to crawl.

Say something, I'm giving up on you.
I'm sorry that I couldn't get to you.
Anywhere I would've followed you.
Say something, I'm giving up on you.

And I will swallow my pride.
You're the one that I love
And I'm saying good-bye.

Say something, I'm giving up on you.
And I'm sorry that I couldn't get to you.
And anywhere I would've followed you. Oh-oh-oh-oh
Say something, I'm giving up on you.

Say something, I'm giving up on you.
Say something..."

I said those words long before I ever knew this song existed. How did they know? I lived those words before ever hearing it. How is that possible? It's the universe...talking to me. The universe is always talking to me...sending me me clues...dropping hints...keeping me afloat. It's unfolding exactly as it should...
Until next time,

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