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Sunday, April 20, 2014

Out of the Blue

Spring has sprung and slowly but surely so is my melancholy state of mind--springing away that is.
I just returned from Tennessee yesterday after attending my sister's funeral. Literally within minutes of posting my last blog entry I got a call from my other sister that Sue had passed away. Sue had been sick for most of her life with every illness from A to Z. Ironically she still had her appendix, not that that has anything to do with anything...just sayin'.... And I just learned that my brother in Alabama is very ill and not doing well at all. Now I'm waiting to hear his prognosis though it doesn't look good.

While I was en route to Tennessee I had an epiphany. Now, you know how epiphanies usually hit you like a bolt of lightning, right? They just pop into your brain and bash you over the head and make you go, "WOW! OF COURSE!" Well, this epiphany kinda sneaked up on me. I think it came upon me slowly because it's always been in the back of my brain just waiting for the right moment to completely unveil itself. This particular epiphany is one that has been lying dormant since my youth though it has shown itself to me several times over the years. But this week, it made itself known in a big way because now is the right time. I've always believed that the universe sends us signs. We just have to be paying attention and acknowledge them and use them to our advantage. You might recall in my last blog post I mentioned that next year after Tom graduates, I'm seriously considering becoming a vagabond and traveling the country and living the gypsy life. But that epiphany I had made me see there is another way to satisfy my gypsy soul and move about the earth freely without any ties to one place. I am exploring this path now and preparing to try my darnedest to make it happen. I won't go into specifics just yet because I am still in the information gathering stage of this plan, but I'll let you know what I'm up to, if/when I have concrete information to share. Fingers crossed for me!

At the moment my state of mind is calm and almost content. I feel a sense of peace though I am still prone to cry at the drop of a hat for no apparent reason. I know this is because of the PTSD and it shall pass in time. I think the change in the weather will help. Also getting back into working out will help. I feel like something big is coming my way...something monumental...and I want to be ready. I heard an amazing song on the radio and I have included the lyrics here. It's by Hunter Hayes who sings the beautiful song "Wanted." I will leave you with his lyrics which at first glance might seem sad but actually are very uplifting. I know this feeling and I'm ready to get out there in the world and be seen, even though that concept kinda goes against my nature--at least in the physical sense. Until next time....

Crowded hallways are the loneliest places
For outcasts and rebels
Or anyone who just dares to be different
And you've been trying for so long
To find out where your place is
But in their narrow minds
There's no room for anyone who dares to do something different
Oh, but listen for a minute

Trust the one
Who's been where you are wishing all it was
Was sticks and stones
Those words cut deep but they don't mean you're all alone
And you're not invisible
Hear me out,
There's so much more to life than what you're feeling now
Someday you'll look back on all these days
And all this pain is gonna be invisible
Oh, invisible

So your confidence is quiet
To them quiet looks like weakness
But you don't have to fight it
'Cause you're strong enough to win without a war
Every heart has a rhythm
Let yours beat out so loudly
That everyone can hear it
Yeah, I promise you don't need to hide it anymore
Oh, and never be afraid of doing something different
Dare to be something more

Trust the one
Who's been where you are wishing all it was
Was sticks and stones
Yeah, the words cut deep but they don't mean you're all alone
And you're not invisible
Hear me out,
There's so much more of this life than what you're feeling now
And someday you'll look back on all these days
And all this pain is gonna be invisible

These labels that they give you
just 'cause they don't understand
If you look past this moment
You'll see you've got a friend
Waving a flag for who you are
And all you're gonna do
Yeah, so here's to you
And here's to anyone who's ever felt invisible

Yeah, and you're not invisible
Hear me out,
There's so much more to life than what you're feeling now
And someday you'll look back on all these days
And all this pain is gonna be invisible
It'll be invisible

Sunday, April 13, 2014

Open Road

When I was a kid growing up here in Ohio, my dad had a couple of nicknames for me. One was Portia just because he liked that name. The other nickname was Vagabond. He loved to talk to people, especially truckers, on his CB (Citizens Band) radio. His CB handle was Doc Watson. He gave me the name Vagabond for my handle. He always wanted me to talk to the truckers on the radio, especially in Spanish when I started learning the language in school. It's interesting to note that even at a young age, I had vagabondish tendencies. I think I've even mentioned this before on this blog. I looked up the definition of vagabond to see if I truly am one. Here's the definition according to Merriam-Webster's online dictionary:
Vagabond - noun - moving from place to place without a fixed home; wandering; of, relating, or characteristic of a wanderer.
Well, technically, I'm not a vagabond...yet. At the moment I have an address where mail comes. I have a roof over my head and a bed to sleep in. I have a bathroom where I can shower daily and brush my teeth, not to mention a place to heed the call of nature as the need arises. I have a place to store my worldly possessions. But I know the time is coming when I will begin my new adventure as a vagabond in the literal sense of the word. It's been my destiny since childhood. Truthfully, I thought it would have happened sooner in my life, but the universe had other things in store. Now, however, the time is getting close. My plan was to hang in here until Tom graduates from high school next year, but sometimes things happen that cause plans to change. People turn against you. People let you down. People die. You kind of have to know when to cut your losses and move on.
My sister, who has been sickly all of her life and who has lived longer than anyone ever expected her to, has finally reached the end of her life. She is in a hospital in Tennessee in a coma. She will pass on at any moment. I'm preparing to head down there. I'd considered beginning my vagabond life as soon as my trip there concludes but I can't leave Tom yet, even though my instincts are telling me to run far and run fast.
I have always had a rich interior life and I still do, but the facade of calmness I show to the outside world is masking unbridled turbulence within. I have not been in my right state of mind since the whole elduck123 experience, and now with my sister's imminent passing and unwarranted and unfounded familial discord here in Ohio, the open road is calling me. I know I can't run from problems, but maybe distance, like time, can heal wounds inflicted upon me by the very people who are supposed to care about me the most. I am not writing this for pity or charity, but rather as a way to express emotion, which can be crippling in its intensity if it doesn't have an outlet. Writing has always been my way of expressing myself. I am not an eloquent speaker but I can write. And I will continue to do so until or unless the universe tells me it's time to lay the pen down (or unplug the laptop, as the case may be). Why I continue to listen to and trust the universe is beyond me, but I will continue to do so until I reach an impasse. I'm ending this blog post today with the lyrics to a song I love. It says so much about who I am as a human being on this bizarre planet we call earth.
Until next time,

"Wake Me Up" by Avicii

Feeling my way through the darkness
Guided by a beating heart
I can't tell where the journey will end
But I know where to start

They tell me I'm too young to understand
They say I'm caught up in a dream
Well life will pass me by if I don't open up my eyes
Well that's fine by me

So wake me up when it's all over
When I'm wiser and I'm older
All this time I was finding myself
And I didn't know I was lost

I tried carrying the weight of the world
But I only have two hands
Hope I get the chance to travel the world
But I don't have any plans

Wish that I could stay forever this young
Not afraid to close my eyes
Life's a game made for everyone
And love is the prize

So wake me up when it's all over
When I'm wiser and I'm older
All this time I was finding myself
And I didn't know I was lost

Didn't know I was lost
I didn't know I was lost
I didn't know I was lost
I didn't know (didn't know, didn't know)

Tuesday, April 8, 2014

Brave? Yikes!

OK, so as you know I've been going through an identity crisis...trying to figure out who I am and where my head is and yada, yada, yada. So today I talked to my two attorneys who facilitated my divorce (the first one) to find out the process for getting my name changed. Because, no matter how much I thought I needed to keep the name as a reminder of my ordeal so I'd never make such a colossol error in judgment again, I realize now that being Kellie Hernandez is not working for me. Turns out...I don't need the freakin' reminder. The process involves filling out a form, paying a small fee and attending a hearing to explain to a judge why I want to change my name. I can handle that. I need to do whatever it takes to get myself back and that includes getting rid of all things Hernandez.
Speaking of Hernandez...I just want to say one thing about him and then move on...I learned yesterday that he has chosen his next victim: A supposedly sweet, middle-aged woman with a teenage son who lives in eastern Louisiana. He met her online and is currently wooing her into his web. I discovered her identity, reached out to her via Facebook and warned her about what she's facing. She did not respond to me but rather contacted Oscar immediately and told him I'd messaged her. The fact that she did not respond to me and went straight to him tells me she is already under his spell and not able or willing to listen to reason. Of course, a year ago this time I wasn't listening to reason either so who am I to judge? All I can hope for on her behalf is that at some point when she starts to feel like her mind is no longer her own, she'll remember my message and get help and get out. I hope it's before all of her money is gone and she's sold her home and quit her job. And I hope she protects her son. I feel so sad for her and knowing what her future holds has caused a setback for me emotionally, but I'm trying to get myself together. Like me, she is a grown woman and she will have to learn the lesson herself. Good luck,'re going to need it.
I found myself a part-time job that is sort of a soul-crusher but I know it's only temporary so I have to hang in there until either something better materializes or I finally just say, SCREW IT!, and run off in my Jeep to live the gypsy life, because I'm 99% certain that's what I'm gonna do when Tom graduates next year. I am a true Sagittarian and a gypsy at heart so I may as well prepare to embrace the nomadic life that I know is gunning for me. It's inevitable. I'm quite certain that sometime within the next two years I will be living in my Jeep (I hope it hangs in there with me. I do take good care of it, the ordeal it went through in Texas last year notwithstanding) out on the open road probably heading west. I'd rather make the choice on my own to become a true gypsy than to have it thrust upon me by circumstance...kinda use a baseball metaphor...striking out swinging rather than striking out standing still watching the ball zing past my face into the catcher's mitt. But I'm gonna need to be brave and courage is something I've never had much of, Marine Corps boot camp and childbirth three times notwithstanding (I used that word twice now). Somewhere Colbie Caillat is singing that she wants to see me be brave. Well, OK, Colbie...I'm gonna work on that. I've got time. I can be brave...can't I? Until next time...
KH soon to be KT again