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Sunday, April 13, 2014

Open Road

When I was a kid growing up here in Ohio, my dad had a couple of nicknames for me. One was Portia just because he liked that name. The other nickname was Vagabond. He loved to talk to people, especially truckers, on his CB (Citizens Band) radio. His CB handle was Doc Watson. He gave me the name Vagabond for my handle. He always wanted me to talk to the truckers on the radio, especially in Spanish when I started learning the language in school. It's interesting to note that even at a young age, I had vagabondish tendencies. I think I've even mentioned this before on this blog. I looked up the definition of vagabond to see if I truly am one. Here's the definition according to Merriam-Webster's online dictionary:
Vagabond - noun - moving from place to place without a fixed home; wandering; of, relating, or characteristic of a wanderer.
Well, technically, I'm not a vagabond...yet. At the moment I have an address where mail comes. I have a roof over my head and a bed to sleep in. I have a bathroom where I can shower daily and brush my teeth, not to mention a place to heed the call of nature as the need arises. I have a place to store my worldly possessions. But I know the time is coming when I will begin my new adventure as a vagabond in the literal sense of the word. It's been my destiny since childhood. Truthfully, I thought it would have happened sooner in my life, but the universe had other things in store. Now, however, the time is getting close. My plan was to hang in here until Tom graduates from high school next year, but sometimes things happen that cause plans to change. People turn against you. People let you down. People die. You kind of have to know when to cut your losses and move on.
My sister, who has been sickly all of her life and who has lived longer than anyone ever expected her to, has finally reached the end of her life. She is in a hospital in Tennessee in a coma. She will pass on at any moment. I'm preparing to head down there. I'd considered beginning my vagabond life as soon as my trip there concludes but I can't leave Tom yet, even though my instincts are telling me to run far and run fast.
I have always had a rich interior life and I still do, but the facade of calmness I show to the outside world is masking unbridled turbulence within. I have not been in my right state of mind since the whole elduck123 experience, and now with my sister's imminent passing and unwarranted and unfounded familial discord here in Ohio, the open road is calling me. I know I can't run from problems, but maybe distance, like time, can heal wounds inflicted upon me by the very people who are supposed to care about me the most. I am not writing this for pity or charity, but rather as a way to express emotion, which can be crippling in its intensity if it doesn't have an outlet. Writing has always been my way of expressing myself. I am not an eloquent speaker but I can write. And I will continue to do so until or unless the universe tells me it's time to lay the pen down (or unplug the laptop, as the case may be). Why I continue to listen to and trust the universe is beyond me, but I will continue to do so until I reach an impasse. I'm ending this blog post today with the lyrics to a song I love. It says so much about who I am as a human being on this bizarre planet we call earth.
Until next time,

"Wake Me Up" by Avicii

Feeling my way through the darkness
Guided by a beating heart
I can't tell where the journey will end
But I know where to start

They tell me I'm too young to understand
They say I'm caught up in a dream
Well life will pass me by if I don't open up my eyes
Well that's fine by me

So wake me up when it's all over
When I'm wiser and I'm older
All this time I was finding myself
And I didn't know I was lost

I tried carrying the weight of the world
But I only have two hands
Hope I get the chance to travel the world
But I don't have any plans

Wish that I could stay forever this young
Not afraid to close my eyes
Life's a game made for everyone
And love is the prize

So wake me up when it's all over
When I'm wiser and I'm older
All this time I was finding myself
And I didn't know I was lost

Didn't know I was lost
I didn't know I was lost
I didn't know I was lost
I didn't know (didn't know, didn't know)

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