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Tuesday, August 5, 2014

I'm the One!

Good evening:
It's a hot summer night in Ewing, New Jersey. Our air conditioning isn't working so the windows are open and it's steamy. I'm not complaining--I'll take heat over cold any day. I had the day off today and yesterday so I buckled down and got to work on writing projects. Here's an update on my writing life:
The cover for "This is Not a Fairy Tale: How I Found Love Online and Almost Lost My Mind" is being designed even as I type this. I cannot wait to see what my designer comes up with. I gave her my vision and I'm sure it'll be awesome. I'm hoping to roll the book out in November if not sooner. It's going through its final edit now before the formatting stage begins.
I have exciting news about my Young Adult novel "Crescent Summer." An agent read it and loved it and is interested in representing me for its publication. We are meeting via the Internet next week to discuss the details. Of course, this means I have to get cracking on writing the two other books in the trilogy. NO PRESSURE!!!! lololololololo (nervous laughter!). I will let you know how it goes after the meeting.
I am enjoying being a flight attendant. It's fun and exhausting and interesting and strange but it's the perfect job for me. I was born for it. I work on my books by day and fly in the evenings and at night and try to catch snatches of sleep here and there.
I'm going to Ohio next week for a few days to be with my daughter who needs some mom time and to be with Tom who was supposed to come see me but I decided to go there instead. Can't wait to see them.
I want to mention my roommates. I live with three fascinating women and two kittens. They're all accomplished, interesting people (not the kittens) who come from all over. Crystaldawn is a nurse from Seattle. She has red hair and a vibrant, bubbly personality. Cheryl is a blonde from Dallas who loves to cook. She's a real estate agent and continues to wheel and deal via her phone and computer in between flights. And Abiola is a Nigerian princess from Atlanta who is working on her PhD in something related to the healthcare field. We are an eclectic group but we get along great. The kitties are Jersey, a calico girl, and Jetway, a black and white boy. They're adorable and precocious. We needed kittens about us much as we needed more holes in our collective heads but nevertheless, we got 'em anyway.
So, I thought I'd try my hand at online dating. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. I got lots of responses to my profile but I find reasons to shoot down every offer of coffee or dinner or walks. Bad spellers, bad dressers, too vain, too arrogant looking, too old, too young, too weird, too something. Crystaldawn says I'm gonna find fault with everyone no matter who they are or what they look like. I did have one moment when I thought I'd found someone I'd like to meet. I'd manipulated my phone's screen to get a better look at the details of the person's profile before I actually looked at the person's name or picture. I was excited because the person was a liberal Democrat, Sagittarius, worked in the avaiation industry, same age as me...perfect match! I adjusted the screen to see the person's photo and lo and behold? I was reading my own profile! OMG! I guess true love shall remain elusive and in the meantime I shall enjoy my own company as well as that of my fellow flight attendants, roomies and two cute kittens.
Until next time!

Friday, July 18, 2014

The elusive blogger has returned. I shouldn't really call myself a blogger since I don't blog enough to deserve the title. But anyway...
I have now been a flight attendant for a month and I have to's really fun. Actually, it doesn't seem like a job...but rather more like just flitting about the country on airplanes every day with the occasional day off. Of course, that's because most of the flights have been what's called 'good day' flights meaning that nothing major has gone wrong...except for puking passengers (all of whom have been young men in their 20s), a flood when a water line broke in the rear galley and one massively long tarmac delay. Naturally, I want all flights to be good day flights because if they're not then that's when the job gets real--and nobody wants that (if you know what I mean)...especially in light of the terrible tragedy with the Malaysian airliner shot down over the Ukraine. That was the ultimate bad day flight. So heart-breaking.
Every time I buckle up in my jumpseat, I do wonder for just a moment about the what-ifs. But I don't let the thoughts linger for long. I love to fly too much to ever let fear get the best of me. I've always been fascinated by the sky--the clouds, the stars and especially the moon. Seeing it from the air is nothing short of magnificent, especially the crescent moon and the full moon. I love the sky.
I also love the passengers. My favorite thing to do with the passengers is defuse potential problems. All it takes is a calm, patient, kind voice and most problematic passengers calm down and relax. Frequent flyers are starting to recognize me and they're always pleased that I remember their names (I don't always remember their names but some are so memorable, it can't be helped, like Mr. Kelly who says if I marry him my name will be Kellie Kelly which he thinks would be hilarious. Not sure if his wife agrees).
I should update you on my writing projects. My memoir is still on track to be published sometime in late fall. It's title is: "This is Not a Fairy Tale: How I Found Love on Online and Almost Lost My Mind." It's the story of my Oscar I fell head over heels in love with a mysterious entity who called himself elduck123, married him and moved to Texas to start a new life only to learn that elduck123 was not real. The man I married turned out to be a gaslighter who nearly caused me to lose my mind and my sense of self. And he has since married his next victim. So sad. I hope you all will read my book and perhaps learn from my mistakes. That being said, I have no regrets because I did follow my heart and that matters to me. So anyway...
I am planning to write a romantic comedy called "Love on the Line" about the love lives of four flight attendants who share a crash pad. It's going to be hilarious because I have a wealth of inspiration from which to draw upon all around me. I can't wait to get it started.
I shall close here and get ready for bed. I have to fly tomorrow--to Cleveland--my hometown! But alas, it's just a turn so I won't be able to get off the plane. I'll just wave out the window. Maybe Lebron will wave back. HAHAHAHAHA. I'm actually glad he's back.
I shall return one of these random days with more ramblings. Toodles for now.
Until next time,

Saturday, June 28, 2014

Come Fly with Me!

I'm baaaaaack! Yep, Kellie, the elusive blogger has turned up to post some ramblings. So here we go!
Since you last heard from me nearly two months ago, I completed Flight Attendant training with Frontier Airlines in Denver. It was seriously one of the hardest experiences I've ever had. It was a month of learning all about the inner-workings of life on airplanes. During the four weeks of training I crammed more information into my head than I'd ever have thought there was room for. I learned all about FAA regulations, flight management, pre-flighting, security, first aid, firefighting, emergency landing in water, aircraft evacuation, aircraft components, survival in various types of terrain and how to ice the beer!! hahaha!!! I put out a fire, jumped down the emergency slide (scariest. thing. ever.), passed my aircraft evacuation drill (second. scariest.. thing. ever.) and demonstrated that I could save a life with CPR/first aid skills. I also managed to get myself onto the raft twice (once walking on it and once climbing into it--both difficult but I did it!), while wearing my life vest, which when I pulled the tab to inflate it, it scared the living daylights out of me. I also learned the procedure for opening and closing the aircraft doors which is probably scarier than the slide and evacuation drills. I have a healthy and wary respect for aircraft doors. I will always be a little bit afraid of them and that is as it should be. I also watched a lot of plane crash videos which I am kinda obsessed with--weird, I know.
I am now in Trenton, New Jersey, where I will be based. I just got my schedule for the month of July and it is packed with flights mostly to Cincinnati, Cleveland, Indianapolis, Detroit, Tampa and Charlotte. It's gonna be interesting. Frontier flies Airbuses (319s and 320s). I really like them. I have a fondness for the overwing exits (I just hope I never have to go out one!).
I hope all you travelers out there will book a flight on Frontier in or out of Trenton and see me in action. You can make fun of me during the safety demonstration (my favorite part is waving my arms around at the exits) and drive me nuts pushing the call button.
I am still a writer. I always will be. My memoir will be out by year's end with a slightly altered title: "This is Not a Fairy Tale: How I Found Love On-line and Almost Lost My Mind." And once I get my routine down pat, I have two books to write in my Crescent series. The first book is finished but the other two are awaiting my attention.
An update on my ex: Oscar found a woman online about two months after our divorce was final. He married her almost immediately. She is a middle-aged, divorcee with a teen-age son. She kinda looks like me only with blondish-hair. It's shameful really...another victim. I tried to warn her but it was too late. Though I am over Oscar, I will always love elduck123, his alter ego. I guess fantasy is better than reality.
So, anywhooooo, I have re-invented myself yet again. I'll be living in a crashpad with three other flight attendants so that should be interesting. And who knows, maybe Mr. Right will turn up on one of my flights one day and ask for a cup of coffee. I'll keep my eye open but I won't hold my breath. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA (hysterical laughter)!!!! Until next time,
Kellie (yes, I am Kellie again--still Hernandez but whateverrrrrrrr)

Monday, May 5, 2014

Up in the Air

Hi all you dear readers:
I know...I know...I know...It's been awhile since my last blog post. I actually wrote a post a few days ago but didn't publish it because Tom advised me not to. He thinks I share too much. HAHAHAHAHA. Isn't that the purpose of blogging? But, I deferred to his judgment and didn't post it even though I liked it. So here I am with a different rambling.
I am happy to announce that I haven't felt down or depressed or bummed in more than a week. As a matter of fact, I've been sort of FLYING HIGH this past week. One of the reasons for this burst of contentment is because I turned in my notice at my little job that was seriously crushing my spirit every time I had to be there.
The older we get, the more we absolutely know that we have to follow our hearts and trust our intuition. As I stated in this blog before, I followed my heart all the way to Texas last year and experienced total and complete devastation, but I have no regrets. How can you regret following your heart? Even if everything goes spectacularly wrong, at least you will never spend a single moment of your life wondering what might have been...because you know.
So....last weekend I followed my heart to Denver. It was a whirlwind 24 hours and I'm so glad I took the risk to go there to investigate the possibility of making a secret dream I've had for most of my life come true. I actually felt like Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz upon learning that she had the power to go back to Kansas within her grasp (the whole time!) just by clicking her heels together three times and saying 'there's no place like home.' In her defense, how the heck was she supposed to know that on her own? Who knows why it takes some dreams longer than others to come to fruition? Only the universe knows.
So...I am going to return to Denver in two weeks to learn something fascinating. Some of my friends already know about my upcoming adventure and I want to go into detail but my advisor (Tom) says I should wait a bit. He didn't tell me I couldn't drop hints though. Teehee! I will be in DEN for three weeks. It's a kind of  boot camp and when I graduate I will be in uniform and ready to FLY. Have you figured it out yet? We all need to spread our WINGS, though some of us are late bloomers in terms of finding our true calling. I am excited and anxious to get there and get started in my new life. And, of course, I will go into more detail after I get through boot camp and get my orders to my new duty station (or base camp...whatever you want to call it).
I am giving true meaning to the title of this blog: Somewhere Else. Oh, is aptly named. My vagabond life will start much sooner than I'd planned and my mode of transport won't be a Jeep. Look out world! Here I come!
And now...for some updates:
My memoir: "This is Not a Fairy Tale: How I Found Love Playing Words with Friends and Almost Lost  My Mind" will be published later this year by Amazon's Createspace. I can't wait to get it out into the world. This story needs to be told and it's bittersweet for me to be the one telling it. But I'm just as proud of it as the other six books I have out in the world. It's my first non-fiction, but not necessarily my last, though I will always prefer make-believe to reality any day.
A shout-out to my kids for making their own dreams come true. Kayla is going to be an amazing nurse. She is very brave. And who knew playing video games could be an actual job? Go get 'em, Jorgs! As for Tom...he is a chameleon. For all I know he already works for the government and is  just pretending to be a high school student.
A word about friendship. I found out these past months who my true friends are. My true friends stood by me through my fairy tale and nightmare. They offered to come get me out of Texas. They didn't lose touch with me even when I cut myself off from the world. They were steadfast. They are still in my life. Unfortunately, a few friends bailed on me. It's one thing to be a friend when things are great and everyone's life is on track. But fairweather friends are not true friends. True friends stick with you through the storms and help you pick up the pieces after a tornado has torn your world apart. My friendship does not come with an on/off switch. I'm sad to have lost a few, one in particular. I reached out to her but she has chosen not to renew. I wish her well and hope she's happy. As for me: Onward and UPWARD!
Until next time,
(DH are my initials in my new adventure. I never got around to changing my name and now I am Danna Hernandez UP THERE!) But I"m still Kellie (Tayer) Hernandez down here! 

Sunday, April 20, 2014

Out of the Blue

Spring has sprung and slowly but surely so is my melancholy state of mind--springing away that is.
I just returned from Tennessee yesterday after attending my sister's funeral. Literally within minutes of posting my last blog entry I got a call from my other sister that Sue had passed away. Sue had been sick for most of her life with every illness from A to Z. Ironically she still had her appendix, not that that has anything to do with anything...just sayin'.... And I just learned that my brother in Alabama is very ill and not doing well at all. Now I'm waiting to hear his prognosis though it doesn't look good.

While I was en route to Tennessee I had an epiphany. Now, you know how epiphanies usually hit you like a bolt of lightning, right? They just pop into your brain and bash you over the head and make you go, "WOW! OF COURSE!" Well, this epiphany kinda sneaked up on me. I think it came upon me slowly because it's always been in the back of my brain just waiting for the right moment to completely unveil itself. This particular epiphany is one that has been lying dormant since my youth though it has shown itself to me several times over the years. But this week, it made itself known in a big way because now is the right time. I've always believed that the universe sends us signs. We just have to be paying attention and acknowledge them and use them to our advantage. You might recall in my last blog post I mentioned that next year after Tom graduates, I'm seriously considering becoming a vagabond and traveling the country and living the gypsy life. But that epiphany I had made me see there is another way to satisfy my gypsy soul and move about the earth freely without any ties to one place. I am exploring this path now and preparing to try my darnedest to make it happen. I won't go into specifics just yet because I am still in the information gathering stage of this plan, but I'll let you know what I'm up to, if/when I have concrete information to share. Fingers crossed for me!

At the moment my state of mind is calm and almost content. I feel a sense of peace though I am still prone to cry at the drop of a hat for no apparent reason. I know this is because of the PTSD and it shall pass in time. I think the change in the weather will help. Also getting back into working out will help. I feel like something big is coming my way...something monumental...and I want to be ready. I heard an amazing song on the radio and I have included the lyrics here. It's by Hunter Hayes who sings the beautiful song "Wanted." I will leave you with his lyrics which at first glance might seem sad but actually are very uplifting. I know this feeling and I'm ready to get out there in the world and be seen, even though that concept kinda goes against my nature--at least in the physical sense. Until next time....

Crowded hallways are the loneliest places
For outcasts and rebels
Or anyone who just dares to be different
And you've been trying for so long
To find out where your place is
But in their narrow minds
There's no room for anyone who dares to do something different
Oh, but listen for a minute

Trust the one
Who's been where you are wishing all it was
Was sticks and stones
Those words cut deep but they don't mean you're all alone
And you're not invisible
Hear me out,
There's so much more to life than what you're feeling now
Someday you'll look back on all these days
And all this pain is gonna be invisible
Oh, invisible

So your confidence is quiet
To them quiet looks like weakness
But you don't have to fight it
'Cause you're strong enough to win without a war
Every heart has a rhythm
Let yours beat out so loudly
That everyone can hear it
Yeah, I promise you don't need to hide it anymore
Oh, and never be afraid of doing something different
Dare to be something more

Trust the one
Who's been where you are wishing all it was
Was sticks and stones
Yeah, the words cut deep but they don't mean you're all alone
And you're not invisible
Hear me out,
There's so much more of this life than what you're feeling now
And someday you'll look back on all these days
And all this pain is gonna be invisible

These labels that they give you
just 'cause they don't understand
If you look past this moment
You'll see you've got a friend
Waving a flag for who you are
And all you're gonna do
Yeah, so here's to you
And here's to anyone who's ever felt invisible

Yeah, and you're not invisible
Hear me out,
There's so much more to life than what you're feeling now
And someday you'll look back on all these days
And all this pain is gonna be invisible
It'll be invisible

Sunday, April 13, 2014

Open Road

When I was a kid growing up here in Ohio, my dad had a couple of nicknames for me. One was Portia just because he liked that name. The other nickname was Vagabond. He loved to talk to people, especially truckers, on his CB (Citizens Band) radio. His CB handle was Doc Watson. He gave me the name Vagabond for my handle. He always wanted me to talk to the truckers on the radio, especially in Spanish when I started learning the language in school. It's interesting to note that even at a young age, I had vagabondish tendencies. I think I've even mentioned this before on this blog. I looked up the definition of vagabond to see if I truly am one. Here's the definition according to Merriam-Webster's online dictionary:
Vagabond - noun - moving from place to place without a fixed home; wandering; of, relating, or characteristic of a wanderer.
Well, technically, I'm not a vagabond...yet. At the moment I have an address where mail comes. I have a roof over my head and a bed to sleep in. I have a bathroom where I can shower daily and brush my teeth, not to mention a place to heed the call of nature as the need arises. I have a place to store my worldly possessions. But I know the time is coming when I will begin my new adventure as a vagabond in the literal sense of the word. It's been my destiny since childhood. Truthfully, I thought it would have happened sooner in my life, but the universe had other things in store. Now, however, the time is getting close. My plan was to hang in here until Tom graduates from high school next year, but sometimes things happen that cause plans to change. People turn against you. People let you down. People die. You kind of have to know when to cut your losses and move on.
My sister, who has been sickly all of her life and who has lived longer than anyone ever expected her to, has finally reached the end of her life. She is in a hospital in Tennessee in a coma. She will pass on at any moment. I'm preparing to head down there. I'd considered beginning my vagabond life as soon as my trip there concludes but I can't leave Tom yet, even though my instincts are telling me to run far and run fast.
I have always had a rich interior life and I still do, but the facade of calmness I show to the outside world is masking unbridled turbulence within. I have not been in my right state of mind since the whole elduck123 experience, and now with my sister's imminent passing and unwarranted and unfounded familial discord here in Ohio, the open road is calling me. I know I can't run from problems, but maybe distance, like time, can heal wounds inflicted upon me by the very people who are supposed to care about me the most. I am not writing this for pity or charity, but rather as a way to express emotion, which can be crippling in its intensity if it doesn't have an outlet. Writing has always been my way of expressing myself. I am not an eloquent speaker but I can write. And I will continue to do so until or unless the universe tells me it's time to lay the pen down (or unplug the laptop, as the case may be). Why I continue to listen to and trust the universe is beyond me, but I will continue to do so until I reach an impasse. I'm ending this blog post today with the lyrics to a song I love. It says so much about who I am as a human being on this bizarre planet we call earth.
Until next time,

"Wake Me Up" by Avicii

Feeling my way through the darkness
Guided by a beating heart
I can't tell where the journey will end
But I know where to start

They tell me I'm too young to understand
They say I'm caught up in a dream
Well life will pass me by if I don't open up my eyes
Well that's fine by me

So wake me up when it's all over
When I'm wiser and I'm older
All this time I was finding myself
And I didn't know I was lost

I tried carrying the weight of the world
But I only have two hands
Hope I get the chance to travel the world
But I don't have any plans

Wish that I could stay forever this young
Not afraid to close my eyes
Life's a game made for everyone
And love is the prize

So wake me up when it's all over
When I'm wiser and I'm older
All this time I was finding myself
And I didn't know I was lost

Didn't know I was lost
I didn't know I was lost
I didn't know I was lost
I didn't know (didn't know, didn't know)

Tuesday, April 8, 2014

Brave? Yikes!

OK, so as you know I've been going through an identity crisis...trying to figure out who I am and where my head is and yada, yada, yada. So today I talked to my two attorneys who facilitated my divorce (the first one) to find out the process for getting my name changed. Because, no matter how much I thought I needed to keep the name as a reminder of my ordeal so I'd never make such a colossol error in judgment again, I realize now that being Kellie Hernandez is not working for me. Turns out...I don't need the freakin' reminder. The process involves filling out a form, paying a small fee and attending a hearing to explain to a judge why I want to change my name. I can handle that. I need to do whatever it takes to get myself back and that includes getting rid of all things Hernandez.
Speaking of Hernandez...I just want to say one thing about him and then move on...I learned yesterday that he has chosen his next victim: A supposedly sweet, middle-aged woman with a teenage son who lives in eastern Louisiana. He met her online and is currently wooing her into his web. I discovered her identity, reached out to her via Facebook and warned her about what she's facing. She did not respond to me but rather contacted Oscar immediately and told him I'd messaged her. The fact that she did not respond to me and went straight to him tells me she is already under his spell and not able or willing to listen to reason. Of course, a year ago this time I wasn't listening to reason either so who am I to judge? All I can hope for on her behalf is that at some point when she starts to feel like her mind is no longer her own, she'll remember my message and get help and get out. I hope it's before all of her money is gone and she's sold her home and quit her job. And I hope she protects her son. I feel so sad for her and knowing what her future holds has caused a setback for me emotionally, but I'm trying to get myself together. Like me, she is a grown woman and she will have to learn the lesson herself. Good luck,'re going to need it.
I found myself a part-time job that is sort of a soul-crusher but I know it's only temporary so I have to hang in there until either something better materializes or I finally just say, SCREW IT!, and run off in my Jeep to live the gypsy life, because I'm 99% certain that's what I'm gonna do when Tom graduates next year. I am a true Sagittarian and a gypsy at heart so I may as well prepare to embrace the nomadic life that I know is gunning for me. It's inevitable. I'm quite certain that sometime within the next two years I will be living in my Jeep (I hope it hangs in there with me. I do take good care of it, the ordeal it went through in Texas last year notwithstanding) out on the open road probably heading west. I'd rather make the choice on my own to become a true gypsy than to have it thrust upon me by circumstance...kinda use a baseball metaphor...striking out swinging rather than striking out standing still watching the ball zing past my face into the catcher's mitt. But I'm gonna need to be brave and courage is something I've never had much of, Marine Corps boot camp and childbirth three times notwithstanding (I used that word twice now). Somewhere Colbie Caillat is singing that she wants to see me be brave. Well, OK, Colbie...I'm gonna work on that. I've got time. I can be brave...can't I? Until next time...
KH soon to be KT again

Monday, March 31, 2014

Where are you?

Have you ever missed someone so much it hurts? And I mean hurt in the most literal of senses? I'm going through that right now and it's really quite debilitating. Not a day goes by that I don't think of this person and wonder what happened and why this person is no longer in my life. For the sake of this blog post I shall refer to this person I miss as M. I'll tell you who M is at the end of this post so don't peak ahead!
M and I used to be inseparable. We did everything together. We went to movies together. We went to restaurants together. We read the same books and listened to the same music and loved the same bands. We never let time go by without checking in with each other and making sure the other was OK. We took trips together and told each other our deepest, darkest secrets. We were the best of friends. But last year, because of my lapse in judgment with the whole elduck123 fiasco, M abandoned me. It's the first time in the history of our friendship that M wasn't there for me.
When I began my Oscar odyssey, M grew quiet. It was hard to get a hold of M when I wanted to chat and eventually I stopped calling since my calls went unanswered. It made me sad in retrospect and eventually I didn't even notice that we hadn't talked in a long time. Remember in high school when you'd get a boyfriend and suddenly you no longer had time for your friends who were there in your life long before the boyfriend entered it? Because the boyfriend was the do all, be all, end all of  your life? We've all been there. Well, I guess M felt abandoned and so M bolted. At least this is what I'm guessing happened.
While I certainly hate to write another maudlin blog post at the risk of turning everyone who reads it off (all three or four of you--hahaha!!!), I'm writing about this today in the hope that M will see it and reach out to me. I know M will see it because M reads everything I write. I'd like to apologize for shutting M out if given the chance. I'd like to propose a fresh start. It's supposedly spring and last night there was a new moon which means the moon begins to wax tonight. We'll have a waxing crescent moon beginning at 7:32 this evening. It will be one percent illuminated. That sounds like a good time to start renew this get in touch with each other. I'm seriously sick to death of crying over spilled milk which is what I've been doing since M disappeared from my life. You never realize how much someone means to you until they're gone. And I miss M more than I've ever missed anyone in my life. I need M back or I will literally lose my mind. I've shed tears for you, M. Enough that if I don't stop this incessant crying I'm gonna need to borrow Russell Crowe's friggin' boat. So M, if you see this blog post, and I know you will, for crying out loud (pun intended), please call me. Text me. Email me. Come over. I seriously need to see your silly-ass face. Nobody knows me like you do and surely you know I need you now more than ever. What kind of friend abandons another friend in their time of greatest need? What the hell are you waiting for? A flippin' invitation? Well, here it is:
Who: M
What: A welcome back to my life party
Where: Right here where I am
When: Now
Why: Because I miss you, you bo-bo head
How: By whatever means necessary
No RSVP needed. Just show the hell up already.
OK. I'm gonna close here and give this blog post time to circulate. I'm gonna wait for M as long as it takes. And now I need to go get a shower and get dressed so I can go out into the world and run a few errands. But before I get into the shower I'm going to take a quick glance in the mirror. Just a see if M is back.
Until next time,

Thursday, March 20, 2014

Where's Kellie?

One of the attributes of being a good blogger is consistency. Oops! I need to be consistent! Well, hahahahahahaha...there is one thing I am very consistent about and that is I don't follow protocol. I have been reflecting on my life (not fun!) and I have noticed a theme and that is that I do things out of order (actually this isn't new for me--I've always been conscious of the fact that I live bassackward). For example:
* I get married and THEN get to know the man I married (twice now!).
* I had the kid (the first time) and THEN got married.
* I went to college first and THEN enlisted.
* I get a job and THEN figure out how to do it.
* I got engaged (the second time) with a wedding ring and married with an engagement ring (OK--that was him, not me, but still).
* I read the endings of books and THEN I read the book (always).
* I tend to make purchases as soon as I know I don't have the money for it; likewise, I tend to give generously to charity or to people in need as soon I know I'm about to not have any money for myself. It's a compulsion.
* I read my horoscope at the END of the day to see if the day went as predicted rather than in the morning so I don't spend all day hoping (or not as the case my be) it comes true.
* If I decide to drink wine for real, I drink it fast to get the buzz immediately so I can get it over with and relax while I "drink wine."
* I often write down thoughts and dreams before I have them because I know they're coming.
This is just a tip of the iceberg for me. I even sometimes know in advance that I'm going to spill my drink or slop food on myself so I prepare for it in advance. OK, now I'm getting into clairvoyance. hahahahahahaha...well, I have often said that I know things I don't even know I know. I now sleep upside down in my bed and my sleep is getting more restful. And yes, I realize I've twisted my original topic, but this is what I do. I have complete conversations with myself all the time. I am my own best friend (not always in a good way). I do have a rich interior life. I also have an identity complex. I have no idea who I am:
Danna Kellie Bellamy?
Kellie Tayer?
Kellie Bellamy Tayer?
Danna Kellie Hernandez?
Kellie Hernandez?
Kellie Zeta Jones?
Who am I?
I have no idea who I am. I used to know, but now? No clue. So, I need to figure that out. And for those of you reading this...don't worry. I'm not a danger to myself...hahahahahahahahaha...well, not purposely anyway. But if I go on a plane ride make sure I take a parachute in case I get up there and decide to jump out and figure out how to land safely on my way down. I can't think that fast. Until next time!
or it DKB? or KT? or DKH? or KZJ? or *&*&*(&*(^*(&)(**(^%^%$$#$%$*&&)_

Friday, March 7, 2014


I'm loving the weather today! Sunny and kinda warm. I actually went out for groceries this morning wearing my Newport, Rhode Island, hoodie. Come on, spring!
Do you ever find your emotions all over the place? Not literally, of course, but figuratively--up then down, happy then sad, peaceful then agitated, frustrated then calm, etc., and that was just in a 10-minute span...? Well, that's been me lately and rather than calling the dudes in the white coats to come carry me away, I've been trying to get to the bottom of my own miserableness (is that a word?). I could blame it on what happened to me last year or I could blame the universe or people who have (and continue) to do me wrong, but how's that gonna resolve anything? So I've been psychoanalyzing myself and it always comes back to this. I have such a strong desire to be somewhere else that I can't be happy where I am (see the name of my blog). Now this is not a new issue for me--I've been this way my whole life. My dad used to call me 'vagabond' when I was a kid. My favorite subjects in school were always geography and languages and the arts; music, writing, theater, etc. (all subjects that require one to escape into a new world). To this day, I can spend hours studying maps--I love latitude and longitude--the way the lines crisscross each other in grids and patterns always leading to some new place. I even went to a travel school in Florida back in 1980, not that it did me any good other than to be able to recognize what kind of plane was flying overhead just by listening to its engine (which is cool and probably helped contribute to my life-long obsession with plane crashes). But...I get these fixations on places and I dream of going there and finding happiness. I've fixated on lots of places including but not limited to the following (in no particular order):
The Ariege region of France
The Umbrian region of Italy
Ventura, California
Mendocino, California
Martha's Vineyard
Rhode Island
Washington, D.C.
And then there's Texas and Washington.
About Texas...when I lived there last year, the feeling of wanting to be somewhere else stopped. I never once wanted to be anywhere else other than Texas. I loved it there. I miss it. I felt like I belonged there (sometimes I still do, in spite of what happened). I'm over Oscar but I am NOT over Texas! I'm gonna have to switch my driver's license and plates to Ohio soon and that is gonna be a sad day!
And then Washington. In the last two years I have visited Washington state twice and both times I felt like I belonged there, too. I felt a connection that was much stronger than ones I've felt toward other places, including Spain and even Texas. I've been trying to figure out what that is...why Washington? Why Seattle? Why the Olympic Peninsula? Why Whidbey Island? Why Lake Crescent? Perhaps I should see a Geographologist and have some tests run! If only there was such a thing! HA! But, in any case, Washington is where my heart is right now.
Thomas happened upon a song last night and he came downstairs and played it for me on Youtube. He said it reminded him of me. The song is by Owl City and it's called "Hello Seattle." Here are the lyrics (and he's right--it's just like me--in more ways than the obvious):

Hello Seattle, I am a mountaineer

In the hills and highlands

I fall asleep in hospital parking lots

And awake in your mouth

Hello Seattle, I am a manta ray

Deep beneath the blue waves

I'll crawl the sandy bottom of Puget Sound

And construct a summer home

Hello Seattle, I am the crescent moon

Shining down on your face

I will disguise myself as a sleeping pill

And descend inside of you

Hello Seattle, I am a cold seahorse

Feeling warm in your sand

I sing about the tide and the ocean surf

Rolling in the evening breeze

Hello Seattle, I am an albatross

On the docks and moored boats

I sail above your inlets and interstates

Through the rain and open wind

Hello Seattle, I am an old lighthouse

Throwing beams of bright lights

Red in the morning, blue in the evening sun

Taking heed for everyone

Hello Seattle, I am a mountaineer

In the hills and highlands

I fall asleep in hospital parking lots

Take me above your light

Carry me through the night

Hold me secure in flight

Sing me to sleep tonight

Take me above your light (Hello Seattle)

Carry me though the night (I am a mountaineer, in the hills and highlands)

Hold me secure in flight (I fall asleep in hospital)

Sing me to sleep tonight (parking lots, and awake in your house)
Until next time,

Monday, March 3, 2014

Sunny Days Ahead

Another Monday, another blog post. Have you noticed I'm trying to be a better blogger? I'm listening to The Black Keys sing "Gold on the Ceiling" while the homicidal cat wreaks havoc throughout the house. I have a tiny statue of Buddha on my writing table and for some reason known only to Tweaker, Buddha is not allowed on the table. I keep finding him on the floor, in my trash can and just now I found him in my magazine rack. Why doesn't Tweak like Buddha? Does he know something I don't? There are many things on my table Tweak could knock off but he singles out the Buddha. WEIRD!
I stayed up to watch the Oscars (HAHAHAHAHAHA OSCARS! funny how that name has a different meaning to me now) all the way to the end. I was not impressed. Ellen was off her game. I miss the song and dance openings like Billy Crystal did and the way Whoopi spoofed all the nominated films. I still love Ellen time she hosts (if she does it again), I want it funnier, musicaler (hahahah i just made up a word!) and faster-paced. As for the fashion...ah...Sandra Bullock. I am in love with her. She can do no wrong in my eyes! And I love Jennifer Lawrence. I thought Camila Alves (Hey, Savannah Guthrie: you butchered her name this morning on the Today Show) was classy and I loooove her husband. Yay Matthew! So happy for Jared Leto. I had no idea he was from Bossier City, Louisiana. It's right next to Shreveport and last year I had an occasion to go to a Romance Writers of America meeting there. Yay Jared! The two stand-out moments for me last night were the speeches given by the winners of the Supporting and Lead Actor and Actress categories (Jared and Lupita, Cate and Matthew--I count those as one) and the other had to be John Travolta killing Idina Menzel's name. And she managed to keep it together to get through her song. Way to go Adele Dazim!!! HAHAHAHAHA!!!!
So, I don't know if I mentioned that I finished my memoir about my time with Oscar (I think I did). It's lengthy (around 350 pages give or take) and I asked several people to read it and give me their feedback. So, first of all, thank you to all the women and one man who read it and messaged me your thoughts. I was surprised to learn that so many of you had similar experiences and didn't know there was a technical term for this mind game. Gaslighting is a serious and scary phenomenon. It's so easy to be a victim of it, especially if you're in a vulnerable state of mind at the time it happens, as I was. I'm doing well now but I do have flashbacks and probably a slight case of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, but I know this will fade with the passage of time. I never would have imagined that something like it would happen to me, but then again, as a friend of mine once said, I do lead a random life, so I guess it makes sense! The official title of my memoir is:
"This is Not a Fairy Tale: How I found Prince Charming Playing Words With Friends and Almost Lost My Mind." I'll keep you posted as to my progress with getting it out into the world as a book.
I shall close here and get myself ready for the day. By the way, did you know that next weekend is Daylight Savings Time already? Wow! Come on spring!
Until next time,

Wednesday, February 26, 2014

Best Little Vampire House in Texas

WOW! What a difference a year makes...or not...
I cannot believe I am typing these words:
It was EXACTLY one year ago today (though it was a Tuesday) that I tapped that Random Opponent key (which is now called Smart Match, ironically enough) and began the strange and unusual odyssey that was elduck123 aka Oscar. Can you believe it? ONE WHOLE YEAR ALREADY!!!
That day was a day like any other--totally typical Tuesday, though the weather was a bit milder than the Polar Vortex we're experiencing this year. A totally average, ordinary day in my totally average, ordinary life...until 10:40 p.m. That was the moment I unwittingly opened Pandora's box and unleashed all kinds of drama upon myself (though I couldn't know it at that precise moment, of course).
And here I am, one year later, back where I started. But I've made peace with that because I know it's temporary (isn't everything in life?). I'm doing OK these days. I've been reading a lot because escaping into fantasy worlds has always been my way of coping with reality. So...speaking of reading...let me tell you about what I've been reading and what I've discovered. And after I tell you this, you'll probably want to message me advice and psychiatrist recommendations. But..bear with me!!!
I got it in my head that I wanted to go back into the "Twilight" world again (for the 4th time). Yes, I just finished the first book (again) and I am now re-reading "New Moon." I just can't help myself. I love that world and wish I lived in it for real (cue the crazy music here). But, I've gotta tell you...something weird happened when I read "Twilight" this time. I realized something revelatory about my experience last year with elduck123. And here it is in a nutshell (nutshell being the operative word):
I MARRIED EDWARD CULLEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
OMG!!!!! The similarities between Edward and elduck are SO FREAKY!!!!! Here is what I'm talking about (and yes, you might think I'm reaching on some of these or just plain exaggerating, but I'm telling you...THIS IS ALL TRUE!!!!).
1. Edward is both a 17-year old boy and 109 years old. Elduck acted like a 17-year old boy and his birthday is...wait for it...January 9...or...1/09.
2. WARNING: THIS ITEM MIGHT FREAK YOU OUT: When I met elduck (aka Edward) in Nashville last April, I had an unfortunate occasion to slice my finger on the package that encased the corkscrew we bought for our wine. Without thinking or missing a beat, elduck grabbed my hand and stuck my bleeding finger in his mouth and sucked my blood. THAT IS THE TRUTH!!!
3. Remember how Bella looked the morning after she spent her wedding night with Edward (all the bruises)? Well, I looked worse. I'll leave it at that.
4. I could never find elduck's heartbeat EVER. We joked many times that he might be a vampire because of this. As it was, I could barely feel a pulse in his wrist. Of course, Edward has no heartbeat.
5. During the night while he slept, he made absolutely no breath sounds. I could NEVER hear him breathe, nor could I ever see his chest moving in and out. His body lay flat like a sheet on the bed.We joked about this, too. Of course, Edward didn't breathe, though he pretended to for appearances.
6. Elduck could sit for hours without moving (in his truck, at church, at a movie, while watching TV, etc.)--no fidgeting or shifting in his seat. Edward is the same way cuz vampires don't fidget.
7. Elduck had no body odor (even when sweating) or breath odor (even after eating). We joked about this a lot. Edward's only odor came from a sweetness he'd 'breathe' onto Bella which always causes her to swoon.The only scent I can associate with elduck is his cologe, Ralph Lauren Polo Blue, his signature scent.
8. Elduck was an expert at every task he undertook and he never loses any game he plays (chess, ping pong, tennis, pool, many WWF games, too, etc.). Edward is the same way, much to Bella's annoyance (and mine).
9. Elduck moves fast and soundlessly. Many times he would appear in the room or beside me and I never saw or heard him coming. He scared me many times like that, though I know he hadn't meant to (at least, I don't think he did). Edward is the same way.
10. Like Edward, elduck has a melodic, hypnotic voice that draws you in.
11. As you know vampires don't need food and while  elduck had a voracious appetite for food, he could go for days without eating when he wanted to fast and cleanse himself. He also drank two shots of some weird Amish vinegar every morning which he said was the key to his excellent health (that doesn't have anything to do with Edward unless you count his penchant for mountain lion blood).
12. Like the Cullen home, elduck had a room in the house that had a wall of windows from floor to ceiling. Edward's wall of windows faced south while elduck's faced west and it was the kitchen wall. It's very dramatic and lends itself to a magnifent sunset spectacle every night.
13. Like the Cullen home, elduck's home is situated in an isolated area. The Cullen home is in the woods while elduck's home is in the country though his land is surrounded by woods.
14. Like the Cullens, elduck kept large sums of cash hidden all around the house. The Cullen's money came from investments (thanks to Alice's ability to 'predict' stock market trends). Oscar's came from...well...frankly...I have no idea.
15. Edward drove a beast of a Volvo. Elduck drives a beast of a diesel-fueled truck (Chevy Silverado).
16. Edward is multi-lingual and so is elduck who speaks English, Spanish, and In Tongues (apparently...if you believe in that kind of thing). see...I married a vampire. But...unlike Bella...I lived to tell! You all know she died in childbirth and came back as a vampire. I didn't die though I compared my marriage to being on death row. HAHAHA. Oh and one more thing...elduck bit me...a lot...luckily he never broke the skin.
And there you have it. My year with a vampire. I know it sounds crazy but it's all true. ALL OF IT.
On that note, I'll close here and let you all chew on this blog post, no pun intended (well, OK...pun intended).
Happy Vampire Day! Until next time...

Wednesday, February 19, 2014


I was tossing around ideas about what I'd blog about today and I finally thought of something interesting. I don't want to be maudlin or depressing cuz I'd be killing the Sagittarius Optimism Credo (and lately I have not been living up to our THE GLASS IS HALF-FULL! THINK POSITIVE! IT'S ALL GOOD! mindset) so I was thinking about the lottery. Apparently it's huge again--the Powerball is up to something like $400 million. I hear the lottery commercials on the radio and the TV and they're always spouting this tag line; "Odds are you'll have fun." If you play the lottery, you'll have fun! WEE!!!! YIPPEE!!!!! It's fun to spend money on a guaranteed ZERO return!!!! Wasteful, right? Stupidest tag line ever, right? It's dumb to throw away money on the lottery, isn't it? But then...I got to IS kinda dream about all that money...all the things you could buy...all the places you could go...all that debt you could pay off...imagine the possibilities...what a life you could have with all that wealth. would you do with all the $$$$?
Let's say that after you pay off all your debts and buy a new house and a new car and pay off your (or your kid's) student loans and give generously to charities...let's just say you were going to buy five things. What would they be? Remember, you've already bought a house and a car and paid off debts and college and gone to some exotic locale... (and you've socked away a huge chuck into savings for the future) so what OBJECTS would you buy? I thought it over and here's what I'd buy if I had a few hundred million lying around:
1. My very own publishing company. And then I could help talented but struggling writers to get their voices heard.
2. A small island off the coast of Washington state (if there are any available. And if there aren't any then I'd hire a crew and have one made just for me. And this is where my publishing company would be located). I'd call it Vagabond Press.
3. A driver. I love the idea of having someone who loves driving to drive me anywhere I want to go anytime I want to go somewhere. I like to do things in the car like READ, so with my very own chauffeur, I could read, nap, eat, play games, drink, text, watch TV, you name it and not have to worry about accidents and tickets.
4. A nice-sized Louis Vuitton handbag just because...oooh...they look so yummy. I am a purse/bag/wallet/tote/suitcase/backpack, etc. lover. They're one of my weaknesses but I won't spend big bucks on them. My conscience won't let me....but if money were no object, then, yeah, I'd go for it and deal with the guilt of owning a prestige bag after the fact.
5. The Seattle Seahawks. I'd love to own my own football team and this one is the cream of the crop. And once I had full ownership, I wouldn't change a thing. And I would ask Richard Sherman to marry my daughter cuz...welll...I just love him and he's a little too young for me...but he's just perfect for Kayla. SIGH......
So.........what five things would you buy?
Until next time,

Tuesday, February 11, 2014

In the Dark

Someone reminded me this afternoon that I haven't blogged recently. So true! I actually kind of forgot! I've been working on querying my memoir to agents and reading for pleasure and I got side-tracked. I've also been job-hunting which is a mentally draining process. Most job applications these days have to be filled out online, sit at your computer for eternity filling out page after page of information (that is on your resume which they have asked you to upload) and then you usually have to take weird personality quizzes that are designed to trick you into answering the opposite way you want to because of the way they're worded and laid out and then when you get all the way through the process you click send and wonder the age old questions? WHERE DID IT GO? WHO WILL SEE IT? IS ANYBODY OUT THERE? Sigh....................Is it possible to apply for every job imaginable and not get one? That's a scary thought...scary enough that I'm casting my job net a little further afield than I had intended to this early in the game. I must be patient and carry on...fight the good fight...soldier on...keep the faith...head up...persevere...yada, yada, yada, blah, blah, blah. Ugh.
I finally got around to reading THE BOOK of last year--the one the world raved about: "Gone Girl." At first the book infuriated me. I did not like either of the main characters--Nick and Amy--and I wanted them both to just go away. WHAT A COINCIDENCE! LOLOLOLOL...Without giving anything away if there is anyone out there who has not read it yet..., I wasn't the only one who wanted them to go away! HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! I'm glad I hung in there cuz let me tell  you --that book was a trip!!!!! The author, Gillian Flynn, is quite genuis (and if I was her husband, I'd be very afraid!). Now I am reading "Wild" and I am loving it. It is right up my alley. I can so relate to the author, Cheryl Strayed. I sense she and I are kindred spirits. Both of these books have been made into feature films which will be out this year--the first one starring Ben Affleck and Rosamund Pike and the second one starring Reese Witherspoon. I can't wait to see them both!
Several people have messaged me asking what happened in Texas. What happened to my fairy tale? The short answer is: Oscar and I were unequally yoked in a manner of speaking. We didn't see eye to eye on a few issues that are important in a marriage--things we would have learned about the other if we had not been so impulsive! But what made our story so unusual was the fact that he made the realization first (that we were unequally yoked) and didn't bother to tell me for almost three months, during which time I was subjected to a hell the likes of which I have never experienced and was not prepared for. Now, don't get the wrong  idea--Oscar didn't physically abuse me or verbally abuse me. He is a peaceful, patient, calm man. But what he did was almost as bad (in some ways)--he subjected me to a silent, psychological, emotionally lethal cat-and-mouse game. He was the cat and I was the mouse (which is ironic because I have a cat and mice are the only creatures I fear). I had no idea what was happening for three months--all I knew was that there was something wrong--something ominous--in our home. But I was relentless in my quest to uncover the problem and solve it. I'm not kidding when I say that my mental state was shaky during that time, particularly in August when I experienced something I had always feared would get me--depression. I had never felt real depression before but I recognized it when it grabbed me. It was by far one of the scariest moments I've experienced in my life. I don't EVER want to feel that low again. And finally, in October when I got to the bottom of the darkness, I found myself in a catch-22. I was relieved to know the truth of our situation, but fearful of the future (one probably shouldn't burn one's bridges when one does something crazy like elope with a quasi-stranger!). Ironically, thanks to being fearful of my future and what it held and where I would go, I wasn't really able to dwell on the heartbreak of a broken marriage (I guess I lucked out on that one!). soon as the divorce was final, someone reached out to me and helped me heal much quicker than I ever could have on my own. Because, as it happened, there was someone before me who was also the mouse in Oscar's twisted mindfuck (pardon the term but it fits). I know I was luckier than the first victim. I got out faster, but her suffering was identical to mine. We were both gas-lighted by this man we loved. Have you ever been gas-lighted? Are you familiar with the term (or the movie of the same name)? Here is the definition (from Wikipedia):
Gaslighting is a form of mental abuse in which false information is presented with the intent of making a victim doubt his or her own memory, perception and sanity. Instances may range simply from the denial by an abuser that previous abusive incidents ever occurred, up to the staging of bizarre events by the abuser with the intention of disorienting the victim.
We were gaslighted by this sweet, loving, patient, kind, godly man--not to the extreme of the definition--but gaslighted just the same. My memoir describes my time with elduck123 (Oscar's Internet name) from start to finish in very candid detail. I didn't hold back and my honesty will more than likely shock you when you read it (if you choose to read it). I'll keep you posted on its state of publication. I shall close here. Until next time...

Monday, February 3, 2014

Alphabetically Speaking

I can't resist saying this: I called it from DAY ONE!!!! I knew Seattle would take it all the way to victory! I loooooooooooove that team!!!! WAY TO GO, SEAHAWKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
OK, so...February already. How'd that happen? I wanted to blog more often and the time was getting away from me...and so is my diet/exercise plan! I have been a naughty girl! My very cute Texas jeans won't button! THE HORRORS! So, with the Seahawks as my inspiration, I am back on track today, recording my caloric intake and going to the gym every other day. That is my plan and I'm sticking to it. I want to be back in those cute jeans by the end of the month! Can I do it? Yes!
As I posted on FB, I finished my memoir. It took me a little less than two months to complete, which is about my normal writing speed, more or less. And now the querying process begins. I hate this stage because it usually means a mailbox (both real and virtual) full of rejections is on the way, but I keep hearing Russell Wilson (the QB of the Seahawks, in case you've forgotten!) say, "Why not me? Why not us?" So that's my mantra, too. Why not me? Why shouldn't an agent bite the hook I'm about to send, baited with an unbelievable true story of a woman way up here in Cleveland who tapped a key on her iPhone late one winter night and conjured up a handsome prince who took her to live in his fairy tale world down in Texas only for her to find out he wasn't quite what he seemed? Why not me? I hope you all (all three of you who read my blog! LOL), will think positive thoughts on my behalf and send good vibrations out into the universe for me. I thank you in advance!
And now, since I don't have anything of importance to say (now, now!), I thought I would show you something I used to do down in Texas at night when I was unable to sleep, kept awake by troubling thoughts and a heavy heart. I used to play games in my head with the alphabet. Here is one I played to help me sleep though I'd often fall asleep before I got all the way to Z, but since I'm awake now (some might beg to differ), I can finish all 26. From A to Z, a list of my favorite words:
A - Albaricoque (which is Apricot in Spanish. How do you pronounce the English word?)
B - Brave
C - Coastal
D - Delicate
E - Elixir
F - Forever
G - Greek
H - Highway
I - Immortal
J - Juxtapose
K - Kinetic
L - Lyric
M - Mandolin
N - Nectarine
O - Oleander
P - Passionate
Q - Quicksilver
R - Random
S - Stay
T - Tangerine
U - Universe
V - Vacancy
W - Wistful
X - Xander (boy's name)
Y - Yours
Z - Zing
Next time you have trouble falling asleep, try listing your favorite words alphabetically and see how far you get. It really helps! OK, all, I'm signing off. The gym awaits (ugh! I mean, Why not me? LOL). Until next time.

Friday, January 24, 2014

Whatchoo talkin' "bout, universe?

Today I was driving down the road and I suddenly got all freaky and started to cry. This happened instantly...out of the blue...with no warning...and guess what precipitated the tears????? I suddenly remembered the Seahawks are in the Super Bowl!!!! So if this isn't proof that I'm losing it, what more proof do I need?
Don't worry...I'm not about to go all maudlin or whackjob on you. I feel good today even though I sometimes think the forces of nature are testing me. Well, I don't think they are...I know they are! But at 12:45 p.m. today someone thought of me!!! That's quite something considering I often think I'm floating out here in the universe a lone vessel, nagivating choppy waters with a broken compass...Hannah--you're beautiful, too, and I love and miss you!
I've been working on my memoir every day. It's very cathartic and I have to laugh at myself because the more recent events are harder to recall than the ones that happened early on. I wonder why that is? I'm guessing it has everything to do with the mind and heart having had time to process everything that happened in the beginning while the ending is still being processed.
So, you know how they say if you want something and you're having trouble finding it, you should ask the universe for it? Well, I'm job hunting these days--looking for something to do while I wait for Tom to graduate in 2015. I've only been looking for a couple of weeks and I admit I haven't been looking all that hard but I need to buckle down. If anyone has any suggestions for me, send me a message via FB or email ( Thanks!
Is anyone out there watching American Idol? As much as I love Keith and Harry (and tolerate J Lo), AI has lost its appeal for me. While I was in Texas I watched the entire season of The Voice for the first time (it's one of Oscar's favorite shows) and I have to is far superior to AI. It makes AI look like a circus sideshow by comparison. Just sayin... I'm waiting anxiously for Dancing With the Stars to start up again (my fave show cuz I have this thing for Derek Hough. I hope he's coming back for the next season).
I mentioned the universe earlier. You've heard me say before that the universe is unfolding exactly as it should even if it doesn't seem like it at the time. Well, I have to tell you something about my relationship with the universe. I believe in signs and I know for certain that the universe sends signs. And I have noticed something very interesting that the universe does every time I'm going through certain experiences in my life, such as going for a job interview, writing a new book, trying to make a decision about something big (like running off to Texas to marry a Latin lover that I conjured up one cold, winter night), learning a new, daunting task, etc.. Every single time WITHOUT FAIL, the universe makes the same song play on the radio while I'm listening. It makes sure I hear this same song EVERY TIME (already Kayla and Tom know exactly what this song is because they've been witnesses to this very obvious sign sent from THE UNIVERSE directly TO ME). The song is called "Cable Car" and it's by The Fray. Here are the lyrics as written by the lead singer and pianist Isaac Slade about his troubled relationship with his brother, Caleb, whose nickname is Cable Car:

"Over My Head (Cable Car)"
I never knew
I never knew that everything was falling through
That everyone I knew was waiting on a cue
To turn and run when all I needed was the truth
But that's how it's got to be
It's coming down to nothing more than apathy
I'd rather run the other way than stay and see
The smoke and who's still standing when it clears

Everyone knows I'm in
Over my head
Over my head
With eight seconds left in overtime
She's on your mind
She's on your mind

Let's rearrange
I wish you were a stranger I could disengage
Just say that we agree and then never change
Soften a bit until we all just get along
But that's disregard
Find another friend and you discard
As you lose the argument in a cable car
Hanging above as the canyon comes between

Everyone knows I'm in
Over my head
Over my head
With eight seconds left in overtime
She's on your mind
She's on your mind

Everyone knows I'm in
Over my head
Over my head
With eight seconds left in overtime
She's on your mind
She's on your ...

And suddenly I become a part of your past
I'm becoming the part that don't last
I'm losing you and it's effortless
Without a sound we lose sight of the ground
In the throw around
Never thought that you wanted to bring it down
I won't let it go down till we torch it ourselves

And everyone knows I'm in
Over my head
Over my head
With eight seconds left in overtime
She's on your mind
She's on your mind

Everyone knows
She's on your mind
Everyone knows I'm in over my head
I'm in over my head
I'm over my...

Everyone knows I'm in
Over my head
Over my head
With eight seconds left in overtime
She's on your mind
She's on your mind

Dear Universe: I HEAR YOU! I am acutely aware of just how IN OVER MY HEAD I am about most things. Not to complain or anything but you've made your point. Now could you send me a new song that tells me what to do about it??? I'd appreciate the guidance. My radio is on! I'm listening! I'll know it when I hear it (hahaha...I may have already heard it, by any chance, a message from one Sarah Bareilles...something about her wanting to see me be brave????). Let me know!
Until next time,

Tuesday, January 21, 2014

Where in the World...

Congratulations, Seahawks! Good luck at the SB!
I know Sherman lost his mind for a minute after the game the other night but I wish people wouldn't be hating on the whole team just because one dude got caught up in the excitement and didn't use good judgment in that rant of his. Seattle is comprised of classy, talented, tough, good sportsmen. I love that team!
So on to other subjects. It's three weeks into the new year and I find myself in a most unusual place--back where I started! Dang! Not where I thought I'd be. It took a lot of convincing to accept that coming back to Ohio was not a backward step with my life but rather a sidestep. It's only temporary. I don't like to look too far ahead because that's just too daunting and I sure as heck don't need to be looking backward (at least not until I finish my memoir), so the day-to-day goal is to stay in the moment. But...I can't help but wonder and speculate as to where I'll finally decide to plant my roots next year. I'm narrowing down my options and zeroing in six places. They are:
1. Washington (Whidbey Island area)
2. Texas (Austin area maybe or Galveston area)
3. Florida (either coast--as long as I'm close to the water)
4. California (somewhere north of San Francisco)
5. Louisiana (there's something about it that speaks to me and draws me in)
6. Someplace unexpected (I'm open to suggestions)
The reason why I call this blog Somewhere Else is because no matter where I am I always want to be somewhere else. I've always been this way. I just can't help it. I wish I could. I make myself crazy sometimes dreaming about being anywhere but where I am. I always feel like I'm chasing some elusive entity...some goal that to anyone else is easily attainable but to me, it's just out of reach. I catch glimpses of's right close...but, damn...I can't quite get there. Last year I defied my own odds by not only seeing what I wanted right in front of me, but actually reaching out, grabbing hold and hanging on to it...for a time. That was big! For someone who's always let fear hold her back, I leaped! I didn't look down...I just jumped into the arms of the universe and hoped it would catch me. And it did...sort of. That leap into the universe was just what I needed! I proved to myself that I could take a risk...go blindly toward the unknown with no guarantee of success or safety. And even though the risk didn't pay off in terms of happily ever after, it paid off in bigger ways. Here's my take-away from my giant leap into the universe:
1. I'm not gonna win the lottery...but buying a ticket helps.
2. I'll never get anywhere if I don't open the door and take the first step.
3. I don't have to know where I'm going as long as I'm going somewhere.
4. With great love comes great risk but love is always worth the risk--always.
5. I had to live the story of my love in order to write the love story of my life.
6. If my plan doesn't work out, I'll make a new plan.
7. Don't make any plans.
8. That music you hear at the end of an awesome movie that captures the theme and sends you out of the theater humming? That happens in real life! A song played on the radio for every big moment I experienced in Texas. My story has a soundtrack! Perhaps every chapter title of my memoir should be a song title. Am I allowed to do that or will I get sued? I'll check into it.
9. Sometimes someone tells you something they really mean at the time they say it  only to find out later they don't.
10. You know that saying, "When one door closes, another one opens?" Well, what happens if the opening of one door and closing of the other don't happen simultaneously and you get stuck in the dark space between the two doors? Food for thought.
I shall close here and go make some lunch. I'm hooked on those Lean Cuisine Salad Additions. Yum!
Have a good January 21st everybody. Until next time...
P.S. Notice the colors of that map up there? Go Seahawks!

Saturday, January 18, 2014

Salvation in Seattle

Good morning:
I am aware that my recent blog posts have had a melancholy undertone (that may be the understatment of the century!). So I'm gonna try to be upbeat. HAHAHAHAHA (that was quasi-hysterical laughter there). The irony of it all is that I am characteristically a positive, upbeat, glass-half full, rainbows and sunshine kinda gal. I am a Sagittarius after all (so is Russell Wilson, the QB of my favorite team, the Seattle Seahawks...just sayin'). Speaking of the Seahawks...
I don't think anybody who knows me was/is aware of my passion for the NFL. For the record, I am a late-bloomer where professional football is concerned. It's only been the last three or four years that I've actually paid it any attention.
It used to be that I liked having the football games on the TV because I liked the sound of it. I didn't necessarily understand what those dudes were doing on the field besides throwing the ball around and trying to get it past the goal posts. Frankly, it wasn't all that interesting to me. But I liked the sound of it. And by sound, I mean the actual, literal sound (not the idea of it but the actual, physical sound). I liked the roar of the crowds. I got a kick out of the QB yelling nonsensical jibber-jabber to his teammates that had important meaning to them. The commercials were entertaining, for the most part. And sometimes the talking heads, i.e., the sportscasters would say the most inane things that would catch my attention and make me chuckle as I read a book or cleaned or baked or whatever I was doing while the game was on keeping me company. By the way, in case you don't know, Terry Bradshaw (someone who often says inane and funny things) happens to be my cousin. His grandmother and my paternal grandmother were sisters. He is from Louisiana and this past year I had several occasions to ride on his highway--the Terry Bradshaw Highway. That always made me laugh in its absurdity. I'm not doggin' on Terry. He's alright.
Anyway, getting back to the Seahawks. When I was a student at Kent State University studying journalism a hundred years ago, I had an occasion to cover the sports beat of the Daily Kent Stater newspaper (we had to cover all the beats to get a feel of every kind of story that makes up a newspaper). It happened to be January and almost Super Bowl time. I was given the assignment of interviewing a football player who was in town visiting family. He happened to play for the Seahawks (they were not playing in the Super Bowl). We had a nice chat--he was very nice and I got a cute story out of the interview in which he diplomatically refused to make a prediction as to who would win. I couldn't remember his name so I went back and did some research on-line (how did we survive before Google?) and I found the guy. His name is Jeff West. He was a punter back in the day. The Seahawks were a relatively new team back in the 80's--nobody really paid them much attention as I recall. Anyway, that was my first connection to the Seahawks. I wrote the story and promptly forgot they existed (I think most of the country did, too).
A couple of years ago I started paying more attention to football. I suddenly found it interesting because I came to the realization that it wasn't as complicated as I thought it was. There is actually a method to the madness out on the field. I found myself getting caught up in the momentum of the games and I noticed that sometimes I would make a comment on what I'd just seen on the field and within seconds, one of the commentators would say exactly what I'd just said. Except I'd said it first! And then I started talking to the players in my head (and sometimes out loud)--telling them how to play the ball--how to run it...whom to pass it to...which way to run up the field...when the QB should pass it vs. just run it himself...whether to use their time-outs or just keep playing...yada, yada, yada. And I noticed they were listening to me! (Well, not really, but it seemed like they were cuz they were doing what I was telling them to even though I was thousands or hundreds of miles away in my living room in Ohio).
I developed a love for two teams; The Buffalo Bills and The New England Patriots. I was a faithful fan for a while but eventually I broke up with them. I ended it with the Bills due to irreconcilable differences and I broke up with the Patriots because of Tom Brady. He turned Hollywood and became untouchable. But I never forgot those Seattle Seahawks. The problem was their games rarely, if ever, played on TV in my area, but I'd occasionally read about them in the newspaper and keep up with their progress. And I even cried when they lost to the Falcons 28 to 30 last year. It's the only time I've ever shed actual tears over a football game.
Until last week I loved San Francisco (but I deleted their app from my phone and ended it with them because they're not nice. I replaced them with the team they beat, the Panthers). I also love the Raiders and the Buccaneers (I've always had a thing for pirates, thank you, Captain Jack Sparrow) and the Chargers and, of course, the Seahawks...
And here's why I love, and am indebted to, the Seattle Seahawks:
Last fall I was in Texas and because we had Directv (and the package called NFL Sunday Ticket) we were able to watch all the games every week. So I got to watch my Seahawks (cuz they're mine, you know). And my love for them grew by leaps and bounds. They're classy, smart, scrappy, excellent at overcoming great odds and coming from way behind and just darned nice guys. And while I was enmeshed in darkness down in Texas, suffering in a situation that was breaking my spirit and I was feeling awfully close to losing my mind, the Seattle Seahawks became my escape. I downloaded their app into my phone. I studied the players' stats. I got to know them via their Wikipedia entries. They were my escape...and in a weird way, my salvation. Because when the Seahawks were playing I knew that for at least three hours I didn't have to think about the situation I was in. I could forget for a few hours that my heart was being bull-dozed and my psyche was being undermined by a master manipulator. I felt happy when I saw their blue and green colors on the big screen TV. I fell in love with Russell Wilson and Marshawn Lynch and Steven Hauschka and Golden Tate and Percy Harvin and Earl Thomas (and yes, even that rascal Breno Giacomini) and all the rest of them.
During Thanksgiving week I flew to Seattle in search of a feeling...a sense of beloning. I drove to Renton where the Seahawks practice and felt their magic. I drove through Seattle and saw CenturyLink Field where they play and I felt their spirit. I bought some Seahawks souvenirs so I could have a piece of them with me--a tangible bit of evidence of their realness. They helped me through dark days and nights when I felt like the a lost soul in an empty world.
Thank you, Seattle Seahawks, for being the classy, cool team you are. Thank you for being with me when I needed something to hold onto. You were a beacon in my storm and I will always be your number one fan. And no matter what happens tomorrow night when you take on the 49ers, you will always be a winner to me. Good luck, guys!
Until next time,