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Monday, March 31, 2014

Where are you?

Have you ever missed someone so much it hurts? And I mean hurt in the most literal of senses? I'm going through that right now and it's really quite debilitating. Not a day goes by that I don't think of this person and wonder what happened and why this person is no longer in my life. For the sake of this blog post I shall refer to this person I miss as M. I'll tell you who M is at the end of this post so don't peak ahead!
M and I used to be inseparable. We did everything together. We went to movies together. We went to restaurants together. We read the same books and listened to the same music and loved the same bands. We never let time go by without checking in with each other and making sure the other was OK. We took trips together and told each other our deepest, darkest secrets. We were the best of friends. But last year, because of my lapse in judgment with the whole elduck123 fiasco, M abandoned me. It's the first time in the history of our friendship that M wasn't there for me.
When I began my Oscar odyssey, M grew quiet. It was hard to get a hold of M when I wanted to chat and eventually I stopped calling since my calls went unanswered. It made me sad in retrospect and eventually I didn't even notice that we hadn't talked in a long time. Remember in high school when you'd get a boyfriend and suddenly you no longer had time for your friends who were there in your life long before the boyfriend entered it? Because the boyfriend was the do all, be all, end all of  your life? We've all been there. Well, I guess M felt abandoned and so M bolted. At least this is what I'm guessing happened.
While I certainly hate to write another maudlin blog post at the risk of turning everyone who reads it off (all three or four of you--hahaha!!!), I'm writing about this today in the hope that M will see it and reach out to me. I know M will see it because M reads everything I write. I'd like to apologize for shutting M out if given the chance. I'd like to propose a fresh start. It's supposedly spring and last night there was a new moon which means the moon begins to wax tonight. We'll have a waxing crescent moon beginning at 7:32 this evening. It will be one percent illuminated. That sounds like a good time to start renew this get in touch with each other. I'm seriously sick to death of crying over spilled milk which is what I've been doing since M disappeared from my life. You never realize how much someone means to you until they're gone. And I miss M more than I've ever missed anyone in my life. I need M back or I will literally lose my mind. I've shed tears for you, M. Enough that if I don't stop this incessant crying I'm gonna need to borrow Russell Crowe's friggin' boat. So M, if you see this blog post, and I know you will, for crying out loud (pun intended), please call me. Text me. Email me. Come over. I seriously need to see your silly-ass face. Nobody knows me like you do and surely you know I need you now more than ever. What kind of friend abandons another friend in their time of greatest need? What the hell are you waiting for? A flippin' invitation? Well, here it is:
Who: M
What: A welcome back to my life party
Where: Right here where I am
When: Now
Why: Because I miss you, you bo-bo head
How: By whatever means necessary
No RSVP needed. Just show the hell up already.
OK. I'm gonna close here and give this blog post time to circulate. I'm gonna wait for M as long as it takes. And now I need to go get a shower and get dressed so I can go out into the world and run a few errands. But before I get into the shower I'm going to take a quick glance in the mirror. Just a see if M is back.
Until next time,

Thursday, March 20, 2014

Where's Kellie?

One of the attributes of being a good blogger is consistency. Oops! I need to be consistent! Well, hahahahahahaha...there is one thing I am very consistent about and that is I don't follow protocol. I have been reflecting on my life (not fun!) and I have noticed a theme and that is that I do things out of order (actually this isn't new for me--I've always been conscious of the fact that I live bassackward). For example:
* I get married and THEN get to know the man I married (twice now!).
* I had the kid (the first time) and THEN got married.
* I went to college first and THEN enlisted.
* I get a job and THEN figure out how to do it.
* I got engaged (the second time) with a wedding ring and married with an engagement ring (OK--that was him, not me, but still).
* I read the endings of books and THEN I read the book (always).
* I tend to make purchases as soon as I know I don't have the money for it; likewise, I tend to give generously to charity or to people in need as soon I know I'm about to not have any money for myself. It's a compulsion.
* I read my horoscope at the END of the day to see if the day went as predicted rather than in the morning so I don't spend all day hoping (or not as the case my be) it comes true.
* If I decide to drink wine for real, I drink it fast to get the buzz immediately so I can get it over with and relax while I "drink wine."
* I often write down thoughts and dreams before I have them because I know they're coming.
This is just a tip of the iceberg for me. I even sometimes know in advance that I'm going to spill my drink or slop food on myself so I prepare for it in advance. OK, now I'm getting into clairvoyance. hahahahahahaha...well, I have often said that I know things I don't even know I know. I now sleep upside down in my bed and my sleep is getting more restful. And yes, I realize I've twisted my original topic, but this is what I do. I have complete conversations with myself all the time. I am my own best friend (not always in a good way). I do have a rich interior life. I also have an identity complex. I have no idea who I am:
Danna Kellie Bellamy?
Kellie Tayer?
Kellie Bellamy Tayer?
Danna Kellie Hernandez?
Kellie Hernandez?
Kellie Zeta Jones?
Who am I?
I have no idea who I am. I used to know, but now? No clue. So, I need to figure that out. And for those of you reading this...don't worry. I'm not a danger to myself...hahahahahahahahaha...well, not purposely anyway. But if I go on a plane ride make sure I take a parachute in case I get up there and decide to jump out and figure out how to land safely on my way down. I can't think that fast. Until next time!
or it DKB? or KT? or DKH? or KZJ? or *&*&*(&*(^*(&)(**(^%^%$$#$%$*&&)_

Friday, March 7, 2014


I'm loving the weather today! Sunny and kinda warm. I actually went out for groceries this morning wearing my Newport, Rhode Island, hoodie. Come on, spring!
Do you ever find your emotions all over the place? Not literally, of course, but figuratively--up then down, happy then sad, peaceful then agitated, frustrated then calm, etc., and that was just in a 10-minute span...? Well, that's been me lately and rather than calling the dudes in the white coats to come carry me away, I've been trying to get to the bottom of my own miserableness (is that a word?). I could blame it on what happened to me last year or I could blame the universe or people who have (and continue) to do me wrong, but how's that gonna resolve anything? So I've been psychoanalyzing myself and it always comes back to this. I have such a strong desire to be somewhere else that I can't be happy where I am (see the name of my blog). Now this is not a new issue for me--I've been this way my whole life. My dad used to call me 'vagabond' when I was a kid. My favorite subjects in school were always geography and languages and the arts; music, writing, theater, etc. (all subjects that require one to escape into a new world). To this day, I can spend hours studying maps--I love latitude and longitude--the way the lines crisscross each other in grids and patterns always leading to some new place. I even went to a travel school in Florida back in 1980, not that it did me any good other than to be able to recognize what kind of plane was flying overhead just by listening to its engine (which is cool and probably helped contribute to my life-long obsession with plane crashes). But...I get these fixations on places and I dream of going there and finding happiness. I've fixated on lots of places including but not limited to the following (in no particular order):
The Ariege region of France
The Umbrian region of Italy
Ventura, California
Mendocino, California
Martha's Vineyard
Rhode Island
Washington, D.C.
And then there's Texas and Washington.
About Texas...when I lived there last year, the feeling of wanting to be somewhere else stopped. I never once wanted to be anywhere else other than Texas. I loved it there. I miss it. I felt like I belonged there (sometimes I still do, in spite of what happened). I'm over Oscar but I am NOT over Texas! I'm gonna have to switch my driver's license and plates to Ohio soon and that is gonna be a sad day!
And then Washington. In the last two years I have visited Washington state twice and both times I felt like I belonged there, too. I felt a connection that was much stronger than ones I've felt toward other places, including Spain and even Texas. I've been trying to figure out what that is...why Washington? Why Seattle? Why the Olympic Peninsula? Why Whidbey Island? Why Lake Crescent? Perhaps I should see a Geographologist and have some tests run! If only there was such a thing! HA! But, in any case, Washington is where my heart is right now.
Thomas happened upon a song last night and he came downstairs and played it for me on Youtube. He said it reminded him of me. The song is by Owl City and it's called "Hello Seattle." Here are the lyrics (and he's right--it's just like me--in more ways than the obvious):

Hello Seattle, I am a mountaineer

In the hills and highlands

I fall asleep in hospital parking lots

And awake in your mouth

Hello Seattle, I am a manta ray

Deep beneath the blue waves

I'll crawl the sandy bottom of Puget Sound

And construct a summer home

Hello Seattle, I am the crescent moon

Shining down on your face

I will disguise myself as a sleeping pill

And descend inside of you

Hello Seattle, I am a cold seahorse

Feeling warm in your sand

I sing about the tide and the ocean surf

Rolling in the evening breeze

Hello Seattle, I am an albatross

On the docks and moored boats

I sail above your inlets and interstates

Through the rain and open wind

Hello Seattle, I am an old lighthouse

Throwing beams of bright lights

Red in the morning, blue in the evening sun

Taking heed for everyone

Hello Seattle, I am a mountaineer

In the hills and highlands

I fall asleep in hospital parking lots

Take me above your light

Carry me through the night

Hold me secure in flight

Sing me to sleep tonight

Take me above your light (Hello Seattle)

Carry me though the night (I am a mountaineer, in the hills and highlands)

Hold me secure in flight (I fall asleep in hospital)

Sing me to sleep tonight (parking lots, and awake in your house)
Until next time,

Monday, March 3, 2014

Sunny Days Ahead

Another Monday, another blog post. Have you noticed I'm trying to be a better blogger? I'm listening to The Black Keys sing "Gold on the Ceiling" while the homicidal cat wreaks havoc throughout the house. I have a tiny statue of Buddha on my writing table and for some reason known only to Tweaker, Buddha is not allowed on the table. I keep finding him on the floor, in my trash can and just now I found him in my magazine rack. Why doesn't Tweak like Buddha? Does he know something I don't? There are many things on my table Tweak could knock off but he singles out the Buddha. WEIRD!
I stayed up to watch the Oscars (HAHAHAHAHAHA OSCARS! funny how that name has a different meaning to me now) all the way to the end. I was not impressed. Ellen was off her game. I miss the song and dance openings like Billy Crystal did and the way Whoopi spoofed all the nominated films. I still love Ellen time she hosts (if she does it again), I want it funnier, musicaler (hahahah i just made up a word!) and faster-paced. As for the fashion...ah...Sandra Bullock. I am in love with her. She can do no wrong in my eyes! And I love Jennifer Lawrence. I thought Camila Alves (Hey, Savannah Guthrie: you butchered her name this morning on the Today Show) was classy and I loooove her husband. Yay Matthew! So happy for Jared Leto. I had no idea he was from Bossier City, Louisiana. It's right next to Shreveport and last year I had an occasion to go to a Romance Writers of America meeting there. Yay Jared! The two stand-out moments for me last night were the speeches given by the winners of the Supporting and Lead Actor and Actress categories (Jared and Lupita, Cate and Matthew--I count those as one) and the other had to be John Travolta killing Idina Menzel's name. And she managed to keep it together to get through her song. Way to go Adele Dazim!!! HAHAHAHAHA!!!!
So, I don't know if I mentioned that I finished my memoir about my time with Oscar (I think I did). It's lengthy (around 350 pages give or take) and I asked several people to read it and give me their feedback. So, first of all, thank you to all the women and one man who read it and messaged me your thoughts. I was surprised to learn that so many of you had similar experiences and didn't know there was a technical term for this mind game. Gaslighting is a serious and scary phenomenon. It's so easy to be a victim of it, especially if you're in a vulnerable state of mind at the time it happens, as I was. I'm doing well now but I do have flashbacks and probably a slight case of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, but I know this will fade with the passage of time. I never would have imagined that something like it would happen to me, but then again, as a friend of mine once said, I do lead a random life, so I guess it makes sense! The official title of my memoir is:
"This is Not a Fairy Tale: How I found Prince Charming Playing Words With Friends and Almost Lost My Mind." I'll keep you posted as to my progress with getting it out into the world as a book.
I shall close here and get myself ready for the day. By the way, did you know that next weekend is Daylight Savings Time already? Wow! Come on spring!
Until next time,