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Wednesday, February 26, 2014

Best Little Vampire House in Texas



WOW! What a difference a year makes...or not...
I cannot believe I am typing these words:
It was EXACTLY one year ago today (though it was a Tuesday) that I tapped that Random Opponent key (which is now called Smart Match, ironically enough) and began the strange and unusual odyssey that was elduck123 aka Oscar. Can you believe it? ONE WHOLE YEAR ALREADY!!!
That day was a day like any other--totally typical Tuesday, though the weather was a bit milder than the Polar Vortex we're experiencing this year. A totally average, ordinary day in my totally average, ordinary life...until 10:40 p.m. That was the moment I unwittingly opened Pandora's box and unleashed all kinds of drama upon myself (though I couldn't know it at that precise moment, of course).
And here I am, one year later, back where I started. But I've made peace with that because I know it's temporary (isn't everything in life?). I'm doing OK these days. I've been reading a lot because escaping into fantasy worlds has always been my way of coping with reality. So...speaking of reading...let me tell you about what I've been reading and what I've discovered. And after I tell you this, you'll probably want to message me advice and psychiatrist recommendations. But..bear with me!!!
OK...so...
I got it in my head that I wanted to go back into the "Twilight" world again (for the 4th time). Yes, I just finished the first book (again) and I am now re-reading "New Moon." I just can't help myself. I love that world and wish I lived in it for real (cue the crazy music here). But, I've gotta tell you...something weird happened when I read "Twilight" this time. I realized something revelatory about my experience last year with elduck123. And here it is in a nutshell (nutshell being the operative word):
I MARRIED EDWARD CULLEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
OMG!!!!! The similarities between Edward and elduck are SO FREAKY!!!!! Here is what I'm talking about (and yes, you might think I'm reaching on some of these or just plain exaggerating, but I'm telling you...THIS IS ALL TRUE!!!!).
1. Edward is both a 17-year old boy and 109 years old. Elduck acted like a 17-year old boy and his birthday is...wait for it...January 9...or...1/09.
2. WARNING: THIS ITEM MIGHT FREAK YOU OUT: When I met elduck (aka Edward) in Nashville last April, I had an unfortunate occasion to slice my finger on the package that encased the corkscrew we bought for our wine. Without thinking or missing a beat, elduck grabbed my hand and stuck my bleeding finger in his mouth and sucked my blood. THAT IS THE TRUTH!!!
3. Remember how Bella looked the morning after she spent her wedding night with Edward (all the bruises)? Well, I looked worse. I'll leave it at that.
4. I could never find elduck's heartbeat EVER. We joked many times that he might be a vampire because of this. As it was, I could barely feel a pulse in his wrist. Of course, Edward has no heartbeat.
5. During the night while he slept, he made absolutely no breath sounds. I could NEVER hear him breathe, nor could I ever see his chest moving in and out. His body lay flat like a sheet on the bed.We joked about this, too. Of course, Edward didn't breathe, though he pretended to for appearances.
6. Elduck could sit for hours without moving (in his truck, at church, at a movie, while watching TV, etc.)--no fidgeting or shifting in his seat. Edward is the same way cuz vampires don't fidget.
7. Elduck had no body odor (even when sweating) or breath odor (even after eating). We joked about this a lot. Edward's only odor came from a sweetness he'd 'breathe' onto Bella which always causes her to swoon.The only scent I can associate with elduck is his cologe, Ralph Lauren Polo Blue, his signature scent.
8. Elduck was an expert at every task he undertook and he never loses any game he plays (chess, ping pong, tennis, pool, many WWF games, too, etc.). Edward is the same way, much to Bella's annoyance (and mine).
9. Elduck moves fast and soundlessly. Many times he would appear in the room or beside me and I never saw or heard him coming. He scared me many times like that, though I know he hadn't meant to (at least, I don't think he did). Edward is the same way.
10. Like Edward, elduck has a melodic, hypnotic voice that draws you in.
11. As you know vampires don't need food and while  elduck had a voracious appetite for food, he could go for days without eating when he wanted to fast and cleanse himself. He also drank two shots of some weird Amish vinegar every morning which he said was the key to his excellent health (that doesn't have anything to do with Edward unless you count his penchant for mountain lion blood).
12. Like the Cullen home, elduck had a room in the house that had a wall of windows from floor to ceiling. Edward's wall of windows faced south while elduck's faced west and it was the kitchen wall. It's very dramatic and lends itself to a magnifent sunset spectacle every night.
13. Like the Cullen home, elduck's home is situated in an isolated area. The Cullen home is in the woods while elduck's home is in the country though his land is surrounded by woods.
14. Like the Cullens, elduck kept large sums of cash hidden all around the house. The Cullen's money came from investments (thanks to Alice's ability to 'predict' stock market trends). Oscar's came from...well...frankly...I have no idea.
15. Edward drove a beast of a Volvo. Elduck drives a beast of a diesel-fueled truck (Chevy Silverado).
16. Edward is multi-lingual and so is elduck who speaks English, Spanish, and In Tongues (apparently...if you believe in that kind of thing).
So...you see...I married a vampire. But...unlike Bella...I lived to tell! You all know she died in childbirth and came back as a vampire. I didn't die though I compared my marriage to being on death row. HAHAHA. Oh and one more thing...elduck bit me...a lot...luckily he never broke the skin.
And there you have it. My year with a vampire. I know it sounds crazy but it's all true. ALL OF IT.
On that note, I'll close here and let you all chew on this blog post, no pun intended (well, OK...pun intended).
Happy Vampire Day! Until next time...
KH

Wednesday, February 19, 2014

Winning!


I was tossing around ideas about what I'd blog about today and I finally thought of something interesting. I don't want to be maudlin or depressing cuz I'd be killing the Sagittarius Optimism Credo (and lately I have not been living up to our THE GLASS IS HALF-FULL! THINK POSITIVE! IT'S ALL GOOD! mindset) so I was thinking about the lottery. Apparently it's huge again--the Powerball is up to something like $400 million. I hear the lottery commercials on the radio and the TV and they're always spouting this tag line; "Odds are you'll have fun." If you play the lottery, you'll have fun! WEE!!!! YIPPEE!!!!! It's fun to spend money on a guaranteed ZERO return!!!! Wasteful, right? Stupidest tag line ever, right? It's dumb to throw away money on the lottery, isn't it? But then...I got to thinking...actually...it IS kinda fun...to dream about all that money...all the things you could buy...all the places you could go...all that debt you could pay off...imagine the possibilities...what a life you could have with all that wealth. SIGH...................so...what would you do with all the $$$$?
Let's say that after you pay off all your debts and buy a new house and a new car and pay off your (or your kid's) student loans and give generously to charities...let's just say you were going to buy five things. What would they be? Remember, you've already bought a house and a car and paid off debts and college and gone to some exotic locale... (and you've socked away a huge chuck into savings for the future) so what OBJECTS would you buy? I thought it over and here's what I'd buy if I had a few hundred million lying around:
1. My very own publishing company. And then I could help talented but struggling writers to get their voices heard.
2. A small island off the coast of Washington state (if there are any available. And if there aren't any then I'd hire a crew and have one made just for me. And this is where my publishing company would be located). I'd call it Vagabond Press.
3. A driver. I love the idea of having someone who loves driving to drive me anywhere I want to go anytime I want to go somewhere. I like to do things in the car like READ, so with my very own chauffeur, I could read, nap, eat, play games, drink, text, watch TV, you name it and not have to worry about accidents and tickets.
4. A nice-sized Louis Vuitton handbag just because...oooh...they look so yummy. I am a purse/bag/wallet/tote/suitcase/backpack, etc. lover. They're one of my weaknesses but I won't spend big bucks on them. My conscience won't let me....but if money were no object, then, yeah, I'd go for it and deal with the guilt of owning a prestige bag after the fact.
5. The Seattle Seahawks. I'd love to own my own football team and this one is the cream of the crop. And once I had full ownership, I wouldn't change a thing. And I would ask Richard Sherman to marry my daughter cuz...welll...I just love him and he's a little too young for me...but he's just perfect for Kayla. SIGH......
So.........what five things would you buy?
Until next time,
KH

Tuesday, February 11, 2014

In the Dark


Greetings:
Someone reminded me this afternoon that I haven't blogged recently. So true! I actually kind of forgot! I've been working on querying my memoir to agents and reading for pleasure and I got side-tracked. I've also been job-hunting which is a mentally draining process. Most job applications these days have to be filled out online, so...you sit at your computer for eternity filling out page after page of information (that is on your resume which they have asked you to upload) and then you usually have to take weird personality quizzes that are designed to trick you into answering the opposite way you want to because of the way they're worded and laid out and then when you get all the way through the process you click send and wonder the age old questions? WHERE DID IT GO? WHO WILL SEE IT? IS ANYBODY OUT THERE? Sigh....................Is it possible to apply for every job imaginable and not get one? That's a scary thought...scary enough that I'm casting my job net a little further afield than I had intended to this early in the game. I must be patient and carry on...fight the good fight...soldier on...keep the faith...head up...persevere...yada, yada, yada, blah, blah, blah. Ugh.
I finally got around to reading THE BOOK of last year--the one the world raved about: "Gone Girl." At first the book infuriated me. I did not like either of the main characters--Nick and Amy--and I wanted them both to just go away. WHAT A COINCIDENCE! LOLOLOLOL...Without giving anything away if there is anyone out there who has not read it yet..., I wasn't the only one who wanted them to go away! HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! I'm glad I hung in there cuz let me tell  you --that book was a trip!!!!! The author, Gillian Flynn, is quite genuis (and if I was her husband, I'd be very afraid!). Now I am reading "Wild" and I am loving it. It is right up my alley. I can so relate to the author, Cheryl Strayed. I sense she and I are kindred spirits. Both of these books have been made into feature films which will be out this year--the first one starring Ben Affleck and Rosamund Pike and the second one starring Reese Witherspoon. I can't wait to see them both!
Several people have messaged me asking what happened in Texas. What happened to my fairy tale? The short answer is: Oscar and I were unequally yoked in a manner of speaking. We didn't see eye to eye on a few issues that are important in a marriage--things we would have learned about the other if we had not been so impulsive! But what made our story so unusual was the fact that he made the realization first (that we were unequally yoked) and didn't bother to tell me for almost three months, during which time I was subjected to a hell the likes of which I have never experienced and was not prepared for. Now, don't get the wrong  idea--Oscar didn't physically abuse me or verbally abuse me. He is a peaceful, patient, calm man. But what he did was almost as bad (in some ways)--he subjected me to a silent, psychological, emotionally lethal cat-and-mouse game. He was the cat and I was the mouse (which is ironic because I have a cat and mice are the only creatures I fear). I had no idea what was happening for three months--all I knew was that there was something wrong--something ominous--in our home. But I was relentless in my quest to uncover the problem and solve it. I'm not kidding when I say that my mental state was shaky during that time, particularly in August when I experienced something I had always feared would get me--depression. I had never felt real depression before but I recognized it when it grabbed me. It was by far one of the scariest moments I've experienced in my life. I don't EVER want to feel that low again. And finally, in October when I got to the bottom of the darkness, I found myself in a catch-22. I was relieved to know the truth of our situation, but fearful of the future (one probably shouldn't burn one's bridges when one does something crazy like elope with a quasi-stranger!). Ironically, thanks to being fearful of my future and what it held and where I would go, I wasn't really able to dwell on the heartbreak of a broken marriage (I guess I lucked out on that one!). And...as soon as the divorce was final, someone reached out to me and helped me heal much quicker than I ever could have on my own. Because, as it happened, there was someone before me who was also the mouse in Oscar's twisted mindfuck (pardon the term but it fits). I know I was luckier than the first victim. I got out faster, but her suffering was identical to mine. We were both gas-lighted by this man we loved. Have you ever been gas-lighted? Are you familiar with the term (or the movie of the same name)? Here is the definition (from Wikipedia):
Gaslighting is a form of mental abuse in which false information is presented with the intent of making a victim doubt his or her own memory, perception and sanity. Instances may range simply from the denial by an abuser that previous abusive incidents ever occurred, up to the staging of bizarre events by the abuser with the intention of disorienting the victim.
We were gaslighted by this sweet, loving, patient, kind, godly man--not to the extreme of the definition--but gaslighted just the same. My memoir describes my time with elduck123 (Oscar's Internet name) from start to finish in very candid detail. I didn't hold back and my honesty will more than likely shock you when you read it (if you choose to read it). I'll keep you posted on its state of publication. I shall close here. Until next time...
KH

Monday, February 3, 2014

Alphabetically Speaking



YAYAYAYAYAYAYAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I can't resist saying this: I called it from DAY ONE!!!! I knew Seattle would take it all the way to victory! I loooooooooooove that team!!!! WAY TO GO, SEAHAWKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
OK, so...February already. How'd that happen? I wanted to blog more often and the time was getting away from me...and so is my diet/exercise plan! I have been a naughty girl! My very cute Texas jeans won't button! THE HORRORS! So, with the Seahawks as my inspiration, I am back on track today, recording my caloric intake and going to the gym every other day. That is my plan and I'm sticking to it. I want to be back in those cute jeans by the end of the month! Can I do it? Yes!
As I posted on FB, I finished my memoir. It took me a little less than two months to complete, which is about my normal writing speed, more or less. And now the querying process begins. I hate this stage because it usually means a mailbox (both real and virtual) full of rejections is on the way, but I keep hearing Russell Wilson (the QB of the Seahawks, in case you've forgotten!) say, "Why not me? Why not us?" So that's my mantra, too. Why not me? Why shouldn't an agent bite the hook I'm about to send, baited with an unbelievable true story of a woman way up here in Cleveland who tapped a key on her iPhone late one winter night and conjured up a handsome prince who took her to live in his fairy tale world down in Texas only for her to find out he wasn't quite what he seemed? Why not me? I hope you all (all three of you who read my blog! LOL), will think positive thoughts on my behalf and send good vibrations out into the universe for me. I thank you in advance!
And now, since I don't have anything of importance to say (now, now!), I thought I would show you something I used to do down in Texas at night when I was unable to sleep, kept awake by troubling thoughts and a heavy heart. I used to play games in my head with the alphabet. Here is one I played to help me sleep though I'd often fall asleep before I got all the way to Z, but since I'm awake now (some might beg to differ), I can finish all 26. From A to Z, a list of my favorite words:
A - Albaricoque (which is Apricot in Spanish. How do you pronounce the English word?)
B - Brave
C - Coastal
D - Delicate
E - Elixir
F - Forever
G - Greek
H - Highway
I - Immortal
J - Juxtapose
K - Kinetic
L - Lyric
M - Mandolin
N - Nectarine
O - Oleander
P - Passionate
Q - Quicksilver
R - Random
S - Stay
T - Tangerine
U - Universe
V - Vacancy
W - Wistful
X - Xander (boy's name)
Y - Yours
Z - Zing
Next time you have trouble falling asleep, try listing your favorite words alphabetically and see how far you get. It really helps! OK, all, I'm signing off. The gym awaits (ugh! I mean, Why not me? LOL). Until next time.
KH