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Wednesday, February 26, 2014

Best Little Vampire House in Texas



WOW! What a difference a year makes...or not...
I cannot believe I am typing these words:
It was EXACTLY one year ago today (though it was a Tuesday) that I tapped that Random Opponent key (which is now called Smart Match, ironically enough) and began the strange and unusual odyssey that was elduck123 aka Oscar. Can you believe it? ONE WHOLE YEAR ALREADY!!!
That day was a day like any other--totally typical Tuesday, though the weather was a bit milder than the Polar Vortex we're experiencing this year. A totally average, ordinary day in my totally average, ordinary life...until 10:40 p.m. That was the moment I unwittingly opened Pandora's box and unleashed all kinds of drama upon myself (though I couldn't know it at that precise moment, of course).
And here I am, one year later, back where I started. But I've made peace with that because I know it's temporary (isn't everything in life?). I'm doing OK these days. I've been reading a lot because escaping into fantasy worlds has always been my way of coping with reality. So...speaking of reading...let me tell you about what I've been reading and what I've discovered. And after I tell you this, you'll probably want to message me advice and psychiatrist recommendations. But..bear with me!!!
OK...so...
I got it in my head that I wanted to go back into the "Twilight" world again (for the 4th time). Yes, I just finished the first book (again) and I am now re-reading "New Moon." I just can't help myself. I love that world and wish I lived in it for real (cue the crazy music here). But, I've gotta tell you...something weird happened when I read "Twilight" this time. I realized something revelatory about my experience last year with elduck123. And here it is in a nutshell (nutshell being the operative word):
I MARRIED EDWARD CULLEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
OMG!!!!! The similarities between Edward and elduck are SO FREAKY!!!!! Here is what I'm talking about (and yes, you might think I'm reaching on some of these or just plain exaggerating, but I'm telling you...THIS IS ALL TRUE!!!!).
1. Edward is both a 17-year old boy and 109 years old. Elduck acted like a 17-year old boy and his birthday is...wait for it...January 9...or...1/09.
2. WARNING: THIS ITEM MIGHT FREAK YOU OUT: When I met elduck (aka Edward) in Nashville last April, I had an unfortunate occasion to slice my finger on the package that encased the corkscrew we bought for our wine. Without thinking or missing a beat, elduck grabbed my hand and stuck my bleeding finger in his mouth and sucked my blood. THAT IS THE TRUTH!!!
3. Remember how Bella looked the morning after she spent her wedding night with Edward (all the bruises)? Well, I looked worse. I'll leave it at that.
4. I could never find elduck's heartbeat EVER. We joked many times that he might be a vampire because of this. As it was, I could barely feel a pulse in his wrist. Of course, Edward has no heartbeat.
5. During the night while he slept, he made absolutely no breath sounds. I could NEVER hear him breathe, nor could I ever see his chest moving in and out. His body lay flat like a sheet on the bed.We joked about this, too. Of course, Edward didn't breathe, though he pretended to for appearances.
6. Elduck could sit for hours without moving (in his truck, at church, at a movie, while watching TV, etc.)--no fidgeting or shifting in his seat. Edward is the same way cuz vampires don't fidget.
7. Elduck had no body odor (even when sweating) or breath odor (even after eating). We joked about this a lot. Edward's only odor came from a sweetness he'd 'breathe' onto Bella which always causes her to swoon.The only scent I can associate with elduck is his cologe, Ralph Lauren Polo Blue, his signature scent.
8. Elduck was an expert at every task he undertook and he never loses any game he plays (chess, ping pong, tennis, pool, many WWF games, too, etc.). Edward is the same way, much to Bella's annoyance (and mine).
9. Elduck moves fast and soundlessly. Many times he would appear in the room or beside me and I never saw or heard him coming. He scared me many times like that, though I know he hadn't meant to (at least, I don't think he did). Edward is the same way.
10. Like Edward, elduck has a melodic, hypnotic voice that draws you in.
11. As you know vampires don't need food and while  elduck had a voracious appetite for food, he could go for days without eating when he wanted to fast and cleanse himself. He also drank two shots of some weird Amish vinegar every morning which he said was the key to his excellent health (that doesn't have anything to do with Edward unless you count his penchant for mountain lion blood).
12. Like the Cullen home, elduck had a room in the house that had a wall of windows from floor to ceiling. Edward's wall of windows faced south while elduck's faced west and it was the kitchen wall. It's very dramatic and lends itself to a magnifent sunset spectacle every night.
13. Like the Cullen home, elduck's home is situated in an isolated area. The Cullen home is in the woods while elduck's home is in the country though his land is surrounded by woods.
14. Like the Cullens, elduck kept large sums of cash hidden all around the house. The Cullen's money came from investments (thanks to Alice's ability to 'predict' stock market trends). Oscar's came from...well...frankly...I have no idea.
15. Edward drove a beast of a Volvo. Elduck drives a beast of a diesel-fueled truck (Chevy Silverado).
16. Edward is multi-lingual and so is elduck who speaks English, Spanish, and In Tongues (apparently...if you believe in that kind of thing).
So...you see...I married a vampire. But...unlike Bella...I lived to tell! You all know she died in childbirth and came back as a vampire. I didn't die though I compared my marriage to being on death row. HAHAHA. Oh and one more thing...elduck bit me...a lot...luckily he never broke the skin.
And there you have it. My year with a vampire. I know it sounds crazy but it's all true. ALL OF IT.
On that note, I'll close here and let you all chew on this blog post, no pun intended (well, OK...pun intended).
Happy Vampire Day! Until next time...
KH

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