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Tuesday, February 11, 2014

In the Dark


Greetings:
Someone reminded me this afternoon that I haven't blogged recently. So true! I actually kind of forgot! I've been working on querying my memoir to agents and reading for pleasure and I got side-tracked. I've also been job-hunting which is a mentally draining process. Most job applications these days have to be filled out online, so...you sit at your computer for eternity filling out page after page of information (that is on your resume which they have asked you to upload) and then you usually have to take weird personality quizzes that are designed to trick you into answering the opposite way you want to because of the way they're worded and laid out and then when you get all the way through the process you click send and wonder the age old questions? WHERE DID IT GO? WHO WILL SEE IT? IS ANYBODY OUT THERE? Sigh....................Is it possible to apply for every job imaginable and not get one? That's a scary thought...scary enough that I'm casting my job net a little further afield than I had intended to this early in the game. I must be patient and carry on...fight the good fight...soldier on...keep the faith...head up...persevere...yada, yada, yada, blah, blah, blah. Ugh.
I finally got around to reading THE BOOK of last year--the one the world raved about: "Gone Girl." At first the book infuriated me. I did not like either of the main characters--Nick and Amy--and I wanted them both to just go away. WHAT A COINCIDENCE! LOLOLOLOL...Without giving anything away if there is anyone out there who has not read it yet..., I wasn't the only one who wanted them to go away! HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! I'm glad I hung in there cuz let me tell  you --that book was a trip!!!!! The author, Gillian Flynn, is quite genuis (and if I was her husband, I'd be very afraid!). Now I am reading "Wild" and I am loving it. It is right up my alley. I can so relate to the author, Cheryl Strayed. I sense she and I are kindred spirits. Both of these books have been made into feature films which will be out this year--the first one starring Ben Affleck and Rosamund Pike and the second one starring Reese Witherspoon. I can't wait to see them both!
Several people have messaged me asking what happened in Texas. What happened to my fairy tale? The short answer is: Oscar and I were unequally yoked in a manner of speaking. We didn't see eye to eye on a few issues that are important in a marriage--things we would have learned about the other if we had not been so impulsive! But what made our story so unusual was the fact that he made the realization first (that we were unequally yoked) and didn't bother to tell me for almost three months, during which time I was subjected to a hell the likes of which I have never experienced and was not prepared for. Now, don't get the wrong  idea--Oscar didn't physically abuse me or verbally abuse me. He is a peaceful, patient, calm man. But what he did was almost as bad (in some ways)--he subjected me to a silent, psychological, emotionally lethal cat-and-mouse game. He was the cat and I was the mouse (which is ironic because I have a cat and mice are the only creatures I fear). I had no idea what was happening for three months--all I knew was that there was something wrong--something ominous--in our home. But I was relentless in my quest to uncover the problem and solve it. I'm not kidding when I say that my mental state was shaky during that time, particularly in August when I experienced something I had always feared would get me--depression. I had never felt real depression before but I recognized it when it grabbed me. It was by far one of the scariest moments I've experienced in my life. I don't EVER want to feel that low again. And finally, in October when I got to the bottom of the darkness, I found myself in a catch-22. I was relieved to know the truth of our situation, but fearful of the future (one probably shouldn't burn one's bridges when one does something crazy like elope with a quasi-stranger!). Ironically, thanks to being fearful of my future and what it held and where I would go, I wasn't really able to dwell on the heartbreak of a broken marriage (I guess I lucked out on that one!). And...as soon as the divorce was final, someone reached out to me and helped me heal much quicker than I ever could have on my own. Because, as it happened, there was someone before me who was also the mouse in Oscar's twisted mindfuck (pardon the term but it fits). I know I was luckier than the first victim. I got out faster, but her suffering was identical to mine. We were both gas-lighted by this man we loved. Have you ever been gas-lighted? Are you familiar with the term (or the movie of the same name)? Here is the definition (from Wikipedia):
Gaslighting is a form of mental abuse in which false information is presented with the intent of making a victim doubt his or her own memory, perception and sanity. Instances may range simply from the denial by an abuser that previous abusive incidents ever occurred, up to the staging of bizarre events by the abuser with the intention of disorienting the victim.
We were gaslighted by this sweet, loving, patient, kind, godly man--not to the extreme of the definition--but gaslighted just the same. My memoir describes my time with elduck123 (Oscar's Internet name) from start to finish in very candid detail. I didn't hold back and my honesty will more than likely shock you when you read it (if you choose to read it). I'll keep you posted on its state of publication. I shall close here. Until next time...
KH

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