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Wednesday, August 29, 2012

Melancholia


I keep saying I'm going to blog more often but then I forget. That's not good. But here I am again. I'm in a bit of a melancholy mood today. Have you ever had the feeling that you're not in control of your circumstances? That your freedom is constrained by outside forces? And what's more, everyone in the world knows something that you don't...like, they know the secret to happiness and you want--more than anything--to be in on it, too? That's where I'm at today. Got a good old case of the blues. I'm free but I'm not. I've got that restless feeling--that classic Sagittarius feeling--of needing and wanting to spread my proverbial wings and move westward. My spirit is restless.
I spent some time studying a map today. I have always loved maps--my whole life I have been fascinated by them. And today I carefully studied my AAA atlas of California (and a peek into Orgeon). I want to live on the west coast and something about northern California is calling to me. I want to live near the ocean in a small town. I'd like a fresh start. I considered Rhode Island--I do love that state--but the only drawback is winter. I want to avoid winter as much as possible. Everybody who knows me knows I don't like to be cold. Cold hurts. I love heat and warmth and the sun. And I love the ocean. My oldest son lives in San Francisco and he loves it there. It would be cool to be closer to him. Plus, I think he misses his mom a little though he might not admit it--haha.
I think once The Gypsy Thief is born and enters the world, I'll feel better. This holding pattern I'm in is making me crazy. I'm supposed to see my novel for the first time next week in the form of an actual book which I can hold in my hands. I will probably fall apart a little when I see it the first time--you know the feeling--when you hold your baby that first time. You can't believe he'/she's finally here. I'm so anxious to get Gypsy out into the world. I'm hoping the universe will help make it a success so I can make my living as a writer. I must keep the faith.
I've been listening to Taylor Swift's Speak Now album a lot lately. I know she has a new album coming out this fall but I don't see how it can top Speak Now. It is a truly amazing album. Every song is a winner but one in particular really cuts me to the bone. It's called "Long Live" and it really resonates with me as if she knew my history and my future and wrote a song about it. Thanks, Taylor, for an amazing song. Why was it never released as a single? It is truly Grammy-worthy.
One more thing...you know how we all have that 'one that got away?' Well, mine got away 33 years ago and I still miss him to this day. Sadly he passed away 10 years ago. I hope wherever he is, he checks on me from time to time like I checked on him (without his knowing) at least once a year for 23 years. I dreamt about him--again--last night. It was bittersweet. So many wrong turns and mistakes and yet, for the three years we had together, so much good to draw upon. It may sound pathetic, but at the age of 51 (and 33 years in), I guess it's my destiny to never get over him. I've never loved another since.
OK. I should end on a high note and try to get out of this maudlin state I'm in. I'm going to get myself a glass of lemonade and find a good book to read. That always makes me happy. So, until next time, folks!
Laters, baby...

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