Where are you?

Have you ever missed someone so much it hurts? And I mean hurt in the most literal of senses? I'm going through that right now and it's really quite debilitating. Not a day goes by that I don't think of this person and wonder what happened and why this person is no longer in my life. For the sake of this blog post I shall refer to this person I miss as M. I'll tell you who M is at the end of this post so don't peak ahead!
M and I used to be inseparable. We did everything together. We went to movies together. We went to restaurants together. We read the same books and listened to the same music and loved the same bands. We never let time go by without checking in with each other and making sure the other was OK. We took trips together and told each other our deepest, darkest secrets. We were the best of friends. But last year, because of my lapse in judgment with the whole elduck123 fiasco, M abandoned me. It's the first time in the history of our friendship that M wasn't there for me.
When I began my Oscar odyssey, M grew quiet. It was hard to get a hold of M when I wanted to chat and eventually I stopped calling since my calls went unanswered. It made me sad in retrospect and eventually I didn't even notice that we hadn't talked in a long time. Remember in high school when you'd get a boyfriend and suddenly you no longer had time for your friends who were there in your life long before the boyfriend entered it? Because the boyfriend was the do all, be all, end all of  your life? We've all been there. Well, I guess M felt abandoned and so M bolted. At least this is what I'm guessing happened.
While I certainly hate to write another maudlin blog post at the risk of turning everyone who reads it off (all three or four of you--hahaha!!!), I'm writing about this today in the hope that M will see it and reach out to me. I know M will see it because M reads everything I write. I'd like to apologize for shutting M out if given the chance. I'd like to propose a fresh start. It's supposedly spring and last night there was a new moon which means the moon begins to wax tonight. We'll have a waxing crescent moon beginning at 7:32 this evening. It will be one percent illuminated. That sounds like a good time to start fresh...to renew this friendship...to get in touch with each other. I'm seriously sick to death of crying over spilled milk which is what I've been doing since M disappeared from my life. You never realize how much someone means to you until they're gone. And I miss M more than I've ever missed anyone in my life. I need M back or I will literally lose my mind. I've shed tears for you, M. Enough that if I don't stop this incessant crying I'm gonna need to borrow Russell Crowe's friggin' boat. So M, if you see this blog post, and I know you will, for crying out loud (pun intended), please call me. Text me. Email me. Come over. I seriously need to see your silly-ass face. Nobody knows me like you do and surely you know I need you now more than ever. What kind of friend abandons another friend in their time of greatest need? What the hell are you waiting for? A flippin' invitation? Well, here it is:
Who: M
What: A welcome back to my life party
Where: Right here where I am
When: Now
Why: Because I miss you, you bo-bo head
How: By whatever means necessary
No RSVP needed. Just show the hell up already.
OK. I'm gonna close here and give this blog post time to circulate. I'm gonna wait for M as long as it takes. And now I need to go get a shower and get dressed so I can go out into the world and run a few errands. But before I get into the shower I'm going to take a quick glance in the mirror. Just a peak...to see if M is back.
Until next time,
KH

Where's Kellie?

Greetings:
One of the attributes of being a good blogger is consistency. Oops! I need to be consistent! Well, hahahahahahaha...there is one thing I am very consistent about and that is I don't follow protocol. I have been reflecting on my life (not fun!) and I have noticed a theme and that is that I do things out of order (actually this isn't new for me--I've always been conscious of the fact that I live bassackward). For example:
* I get married and THEN get to know the man I married (twice now!).
* I had the kid (the first time) and THEN got married.
* I went to college first and THEN enlisted.
* I get a job and THEN figure out how to do it.
* I got engaged (the second time) with a wedding ring and married with an engagement ring (OK--that was him, not me, but still).
* I read the endings of books and THEN I read the book (always).
* I tend to make purchases as soon as I know I don't have the money for it; likewise, I tend to give generously to charity or to people in need as soon I know I'm about to not have any money for myself. It's a compulsion.
* I read my horoscope at the END of the day to see if the day went as predicted rather than in the morning so I don't spend all day hoping (or not as the case my be) it comes true.
* If I decide to drink wine for real, I drink it fast to get the buzz immediately so I can get it over with and relax while I "drink wine."
* I often write down thoughts and dreams before I have them because I know they're coming.
This is just a tip of the iceberg for me. I even sometimes know in advance that I'm going to spill my drink or slop food on myself so I prepare for it in advance. OK, now I'm getting into clairvoyance. hahahahahahaha...well, I have often said that I know things I don't even know I know. I now sleep upside down in my bed and my sleep is getting more restful. And yes, I realize I've twisted my original topic, but this is what I do. I have complete conversations with myself all the time. I am my own best friend (not always in a good way). I do have a rich interior life. I also have an identity complex. I have no idea who I am:
Danna Kellie Bellamy?
Kellie Tayer?
Kellie Bellamy Tayer?
Danna Kellie Hernandez?
Kellie Hernandez?
Kellie Zeta Jones?
Kelduck123?
Who am I?
I have no idea who I am. I used to know, but now? No clue. So, I need to figure that out. And for those of you reading this...don't worry. I'm not a danger to myself...hahahahahahahahaha...well, not purposely anyway. But if I go on a plane ride make sure I take a parachute in case I get up there and decide to jump out and figure out how to land safely on my way down. I can't think that fast. Until next time!
KH
or it DKB? or KT? or DKH? or KZJ? or *&*&*(&*(^*(&)(**(^%^%$$#$%$*&&)_
Cheerio!

Wanderlust

Greetings!
I'm loving the weather today! Sunny and kinda warm. I actually went out for groceries this morning wearing my Newport, Rhode Island, hoodie. Come on, spring!
Do you ever find your emotions all over the place? Not literally, of course, but figuratively--up then down, happy then sad, peaceful then agitated, frustrated then calm, etc., and that was just in a 10-minute span...? Well, that's been me lately and rather than calling the dudes in the white coats to come carry me away, I've been trying to get to the bottom of my own miserableness (is that a word?). I could blame it on what happened to me last year or I could blame the universe or people who have (and continue) to do me wrong, but how's that gonna resolve anything? So I've been psychoanalyzing myself and it always comes back to this. I have such a strong desire to be somewhere else that I can't be happy where I am (see the name of my blog). Now this is not a new issue for me--I've been this way my whole life. My dad used to call me 'vagabond' when I was a kid. My favorite subjects in school were always geography and languages and the arts; music, writing, theater, etc. (all subjects that require one to escape into a new world). To this day, I can spend hours studying maps--I love latitude and longitude--the way the lines crisscross each other in grids and patterns always leading to some new place. I even went to a travel school in Florida back in 1980, not that it did me any good other than to be able to recognize what kind of plane was flying overhead just by listening to its engine (which is cool and probably helped contribute to my life-long obsession with plane crashes). But...I get these fixations on places and I dream of going there and finding happiness. I've fixated on lots of places including but not limited to the following (in no particular order):
Maine
Spain
The Ariege region of France
The Umbrian region of Italy
Florida
Montana
Ventura, California
Mendocino, California
Martha's Vineyard
Rhode Island
Washington, D.C.
Toronto
And then there's Texas and Washington.
About Texas...when I lived there last year, the feeling of wanting to be somewhere else stopped. I never once wanted to be anywhere else other than Texas. I loved it there. I miss it. I felt like I belonged there (sometimes I still do, in spite of what happened). I'm over Oscar but I am NOT over Texas! I'm gonna have to switch my driver's license and plates to Ohio soon and that is gonna be a sad day!
And then Washington. In the last two years I have visited Washington state twice and both times I felt like I belonged there, too. I felt a connection that was much stronger than ones I've felt toward other places, including Spain and even Texas. I've been trying to figure out what that is...why Washington? Why Seattle? Why the Olympic Peninsula? Why Whidbey Island? Why Lake Crescent? Perhaps I should see a Geographologist and have some tests run! If only there was such a thing! HA! But, in any case, Washington is where my heart is right now.
Thomas happened upon a song last night and he came downstairs and played it for me on Youtube. He said it reminded him of me. The song is by Owl City and it's called "Hello Seattle." Here are the lyrics (and he's right--it's just like me--in more ways than the obvious):

Hello Seattle, I am a mountaineer

In the hills and highlands

I fall asleep in hospital parking lots

And awake in your mouth

Hello Seattle, I am a manta ray

Deep beneath the blue waves

I'll crawl the sandy bottom of Puget Sound

And construct a summer home

Hello Seattle, I am the crescent moon

Shining down on your face

I will disguise myself as a sleeping pill

And descend inside of you

 

Hello Seattle, I am a cold seahorse

Feeling warm in your sand

I sing about the tide and the ocean surf

Rolling in the evening breeze

Hello Seattle, I am an albatross

On the docks and moored boats

I sail above your inlets and interstates

Through the rain and open wind

Hello Seattle, I am an old lighthouse

Throwing beams of bright lights

Red in the morning, blue in the evening sun

Taking heed for everyone

 

Hello Seattle, I am a mountaineer

In the hills and highlands

I fall asleep in hospital parking lots

 

Take me above your light

Carry me through the night

Hold me secure in flight

Sing me to sleep tonight

 

Take me above your light (Hello Seattle)

Carry me though the night (I am a mountaineer, in the hills and highlands)

Hold me secure in flight (I fall asleep in hospital)

Sing me to sleep tonight (parking lots, and awake in your house)

 
Until next time,
KH

Sunny Days Ahead

Another Monday, another blog post. Have you noticed I'm trying to be a better blogger? I'm listening to The Black Keys sing "Gold on the Ceiling" while the homicidal cat wreaks havoc throughout the house. I have a tiny statue of Buddha on my writing table and for some reason known only to Tweaker, Buddha is not allowed on the table. I keep finding him on the floor, in my trash can and just now I found him in my magazine rack. Why doesn't Tweak like Buddha? Does he know something I don't? There are many things on my table Tweak could knock off but he singles out the Buddha. WEIRD!
I stayed up to watch the Oscars (HAHAHAHAHAHA OSCARS! funny how that name has a different meaning to me now) all the way to the end. I was not impressed. Ellen was off her game. I miss the song and dance openings like Billy Crystal did and the way Whoopi spoofed all the nominated films. I still love Ellen but...next time she hosts (if she does it again), I want it funnier, musicaler (hahahah i just made up a word!) and faster-paced. As for the fashion...ah...Sandra Bullock. I am in love with her. She can do no wrong in my eyes! And I love Jennifer Lawrence. I thought Camila Alves (Hey, Savannah Guthrie: you butchered her name this morning on the Today Show) was classy and I loooove her husband. Yay Matthew! So happy for Jared Leto. I had no idea he was from Bossier City, Louisiana. It's right next to Shreveport and last year I had an occasion to go to a Romance Writers of America meeting there. Yay Jared! The two stand-out moments for me last night were the speeches given by the winners of the Supporting and Lead Actor and Actress categories (Jared and Lupita, Cate and Matthew--I count those as one) and the other had to be John Travolta killing Idina Menzel's name. And she managed to keep it together to get through her song. Way to go Adele Dazim!!! HAHAHAHAHA!!!!
So, I don't know if I mentioned that I finished my memoir about my time with Oscar (I think I did). It's lengthy (around 350 pages give or take) and I asked several people to read it and give me their feedback. So, first of all, thank you to all the women and one man who read it and messaged me your thoughts. I was surprised to learn that so many of you had similar experiences and didn't know there was a technical term for this mind game. Gaslighting is a serious and scary phenomenon. It's so easy to be a victim of it, especially if you're in a vulnerable state of mind at the time it happens, as I was. I'm doing well now but I do have flashbacks and probably a slight case of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, but I know this will fade with the passage of time. I never would have imagined that something like it would happen to me, but then again, as a friend of mine once said, I do lead a random life, so I guess it makes sense! The official title of my memoir is:
"This is Not a Fairy Tale: How I found Prince Charming Playing Words With Friends and Almost Lost My Mind." I'll keep you posted as to my progress with getting it out into the world as a book.
I shall close here and get myself ready for the day. By the way, did you know that next weekend is Daylight Savings Time already? Wow! Come on spring!
Until next time,
KH

Best Little Vampire House in Texas

WOW! What a difference a year makes...or not...
I cannot believe I am typing these words:
It was EXACTLY one year ago today (though it was a Tuesday) that I tapped that Random Opponent key (which is now called Smart Match, ironically enough) and began the strange and unusual odyssey that was elduck123 aka Oscar. Can you believe it? ONE WHOLE YEAR ALREADY!!!
That day was a day like any other--totally typical Tuesday, though the weather was a bit milder than the Polar Vortex we're experiencing this year. A totally average, ordinary day in my totally average, ordinary life...until 10:40 p.m. That was the moment I unwittingly opened Pandora's box and unleashed all kinds of drama upon myself (though I couldn't know it at that precise moment, of course).
And here I am, one year later, back where I started. But I've made peace with that because I know it's temporary (isn't everything in life?). I'm doing OK these days. I've been reading a lot because escaping into fantasy worlds has always been my way of coping with reality. So...speaking of reading...let me tell you about what I've been reading and what I've discovered. And after I tell you this, you'll probably want to message me advice and psychiatrist recommendations. But..bear with me!!!
OK...so...
I got it in my head that I wanted to go back into the "Twilight" world again (for the 4th time). Yes, I just finished the first book (again) and I am now re-reading "New Moon." I just can't help myself. I love that world and wish I lived in it for real (cue the crazy music here). But, I've gotta tell you...something weird happened when I read "Twilight" this time. I realized something revelatory about my experience last year with elduck123. And here it is in a nutshell (nutshell being the operative word):
I MARRIED EDWARD CULLEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
OMG!!!!! The similarities between Edward and elduck are SO FREAKY!!!!! Here is what I'm talking about (and yes, you might think I'm reaching on some of these or just plain exaggerating, but I'm telling you...THIS IS ALL TRUE!!!!).
1. Edward is both a 17-year old boy and 109 years old. Elduck acted like a 17-year old boy and his birthday is...wait for it...January 9...or...1/09.
2. WARNING: THIS ITEM MIGHT FREAK YOU OUT: When I met elduck (aka Edward) in Nashville last April, I had an unfortunate occasion to slice my finger on the package that encased the corkscrew we bought for our wine. Without thinking or missing a beat, elduck grabbed my hand and stuck my bleeding finger in his mouth and sucked my blood. THAT IS THE TRUTH!!!
3. Remember how Bella looked the morning after she spent her wedding night with Edward (all the bruises)? Well, I looked worse. I'll leave it at that.
4. I could never find elduck's heartbeat EVER. We joked many times that he might be a vampire because of this. As it was, I could barely feel a pulse in his wrist. Of course, Edward has no heartbeat.
5. During the night while he slept, he made absolutely no breath sounds. I could NEVER hear him breathe, nor could I ever see his chest moving in and out. His body lay flat like a sheet on the bed.We joked about this, too. Of course, Edward didn't breathe, though he pretended to for appearances.
6. Elduck could sit for hours without moving (in his truck, at church, at a movie, while watching TV, etc.)--no fidgeting or shifting in his seat. Edward is the same way cuz vampires don't fidget.
7. Elduck had no body odor (even when sweating) or breath odor (even after eating). We joked about this a lot. Edward's only odor came from a sweetness he'd 'breathe' onto Bella which always causes her to swoon.The only scent I can associate with elduck is his cologe, Ralph Lauren Polo Blue, his signature scent.
8. Elduck was an expert at every task he undertook and he never loses any game he plays (chess, ping pong, tennis, pool, many WWF games, too, etc.). Edward is the same way, much to Bella's annoyance (and mine).
9. Elduck moves fast and soundlessly. Many times he would appear in the room or beside me and I never saw or heard him coming. He scared me many times like that, though I know he hadn't meant to (at least, I don't think he did). Edward is the same way.
10. Like Edward, elduck has a melodic, hypnotic voice that draws you in.
11. As you know vampires don't need food and while  elduck had a voracious appetite for food, he could go for days without eating when he wanted to fast and cleanse himself. He also drank two shots of some weird Amish vinegar every morning which he said was the key to his excellent health (that doesn't have anything to do with Edward unless you count his penchant for mountain lion blood).
12. Like the Cullen home, elduck had a room in the house that had a wall of windows from floor to ceiling. Edward's wall of windows faced south while elduck's faced west and it was the kitchen wall. It's very dramatic and lends itself to a magnifent sunset spectacle every night.
13. Like the Cullen home, elduck's home is situated in an isolated area. The Cullen home is in the woods while elduck's home is in the country though his land is surrounded by woods.
14. Like the Cullens, elduck kept large sums of cash hidden all around the house. The Cullen's money came from investments (thanks to Alice's ability to 'predict' stock market trends). Oscar's came from...well...frankly...I have no idea.
15. Edward drove a beast of a Volvo. Elduck drives a beast of a diesel-fueled truck (Chevy Silverado).
16. Edward is multi-lingual and so is elduck who speaks English, Spanish, and In Tongues (apparently...if you believe in that kind of thing).
So...you see...I married a vampire. But...unlike Bella...I lived to tell! You all know she died in childbirth and came back as a vampire. I didn't die though I compared my marriage to being on death row. HAHAHA. Oh and one more thing...elduck bit me...a lot...luckily he never broke the skin.
And there you have it. My year with a vampire. I know it sounds crazy but it's all true. ALL OF IT.
On that note, I'll close here and let you all chew on this blog post, no pun intended (well, OK...pun intended).
Happy Vampire Day! Until next time...
KH

Winning!

I was tossing around ideas about what I'd blog about today and I finally thought of something interesting. I don't want to be maudlin or depressing cuz I'd be killing the Sagittarius Optimism Credo (and lately I have not been living up to our THE GLASS IS HALF-FULL! THINK POSITIVE! IT'S ALL GOOD! mindset) so I was thinking about the lottery. Apparently it's huge again--the Powerball is up to something like $400 million. I hear the lottery commercials on the radio and the TV and they're always spouting this tag line; "Odds are you'll have fun." If you play the lottery, you'll have fun! WEE!!!! YIPPEE!!!!! It's fun to spend money on a guaranteed ZERO return!!!! Wasteful, right? Stupidest tag line ever, right? It's dumb to throw away money on the lottery, isn't it? But then...I got to thinking...actually...it IS kinda fun...to dream about all that money...all the things you could buy...all the places you could go...all that debt you could pay off...imagine the possibilities...what a life you could have with all that wealth. SIGH...................so...what would you do with all the $$$$?
Let's say that after you pay off all your debts and buy a new house and a new car and pay off your (or your kid's) student loans and give generously to charities...let's just say you were going to buy five things. What would they be? Remember, you've already bought a house and a car and paid off debts and college and gone to some exotic locale... (and you've socked away a huge chuck into savings for the future) so what OBJECTS would you buy? I thought it over and here's what I'd buy if I had a few hundred million lying around:
1. My very own publishing company. And then I could help talented but struggling writers to get their voices heard.
2. A small island off the coast of Washington state (if there are any available. And if there aren't any then I'd hire a crew and have one made just for me. And this is where my publishing company would be located). I'd call it Vagabond Press.
3. A driver. I love the idea of having someone who loves driving to drive me anywhere I want to go anytime I want to go somewhere. I like to do things in the car like READ, so with my very own chauffeur, I could read, nap, eat, play games, drink, text, watch TV, you name it and not have to worry about accidents and tickets.
4. A nice-sized Louis Vuitton handbag just because...oooh...they look so yummy. I am a purse/bag/wallet/tote/suitcase/backpack, etc. lover. They're one of my weaknesses but I won't spend big bucks on them. My conscience won't let me....but if money were no object, then, yeah, I'd go for it and deal with the guilt of owning a prestige bag after the fact.
5. The Seattle Seahawks. I'd love to own my own football team and this one is the cream of the crop. And once I had full ownership, I wouldn't change a thing. And I would ask Richard Sherman to marry my daughter cuz...welll...I just love him and he's a little too young for me...but he's just perfect for Kayla. SIGH......
So.........what five things would you buy?
Until next time,
KH

In the Dark

Greetings:
Someone reminded me this afternoon that I haven't blogged recently. So true! I actually kind of forgot! I've been working on querying my memoir to agents and reading for pleasure and I got side-tracked. I've also been job-hunting which is a mentally draining process. Most job applications these days have to be filled out online, so...you sit at your computer for eternity filling out page after page of information (that is on your resume which they have asked you to upload) and then you usually have to take weird personality quizzes that are designed to trick you into answering the opposite way you want to because of the way they're worded and laid out and then when you get all the way through the process you click send and wonder the age old questions? WHERE DID IT GO? WHO WILL SEE IT? IS ANYBODY OUT THERE? Sigh....................Is it possible to apply for every job imaginable and not get one? That's a scary thought...scary enough that I'm casting my job net a little further afield than I had intended to this early in the game. I must be patient and carry on...fight the good fight...soldier on...keep the faith...head up...persevere...yada, yada, yada, blah, blah, blah. Ugh.
I finally got around to reading THE BOOK of last year--the one the world raved about: "Gone Girl." At first the book infuriated me. I did not like either of the main characters--Nick and Amy--and I wanted them both to just go away. WHAT A COINCIDENCE! LOLOLOLOL...Without giving anything away if there is anyone out there who has not read it yet..., I wasn't the only one who wanted them to go away! HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! I'm glad I hung in there cuz let me tell  you --that book was a trip!!!!! The author, Gillian Flynn, is quite genuis (and if I was her husband, I'd be very afraid!). Now I am reading "Wild" and I am loving it. It is right up my alley. I can so relate to the author, Cheryl Strayed. I sense she and I are kindred spirits. Both of these books have been made into feature films which will be out this year--the first one starring Ben Affleck and Rosamund Pike and the second one starring Reese Witherspoon. I can't wait to see them both!
Several people have messaged me asking what happened in Texas. What happened to my fairy tale? The short answer is: Oscar and I were unequally yoked in a manner of speaking. We didn't see eye to eye on a few issues that are important in a marriage--things we would have learned about the other if we had not been so impulsive! But what made our story so unusual was the fact that he made the realization first (that we were unequally yoked) and didn't bother to tell me for almost three months, during which time I was subjected to a hell the likes of which I have never experienced and was not prepared for. Now, don't get the wrong  idea--Oscar didn't physically abuse me or verbally abuse me. He is a peaceful, patient, calm man. But what he did was almost as bad (in some ways)--he subjected me to a silent, psychological, emotionally lethal cat-and-mouse game. He was the cat and I was the mouse (which is ironic because I have a cat and mice are the only creatures I fear). I had no idea what was happening for three months--all I knew was that there was something wrong--something ominous--in our home. But I was relentless in my quest to uncover the problem and solve it. I'm not kidding when I say that my mental state was shaky during that time, particularly in August when I experienced something I had always feared would get me--depression. I had never felt real depression before but I recognized it when it grabbed me. It was by far one of the scariest moments I've experienced in my life. I don't EVER want to feel that low again. And finally, in October when I got to the bottom of the darkness, I found myself in a catch-22. I was relieved to know the truth of our situation, but fearful of the future (one probably shouldn't burn one's bridges when one does something crazy like elope with a quasi-stranger!). Ironically, thanks to being fearful of my future and what it held and where I would go, I wasn't really able to dwell on the heartbreak of a broken marriage (I guess I lucked out on that one!). And...as soon as the divorce was final, someone reached out to me and helped me heal much quicker than I ever could have on my own. Because, as it happened, there was someone before me who was also the mouse in Oscar's twisted mindfuck (pardon the term but it fits). I know I was luckier than the first victim. I got out faster, but her suffering was identical to mine. We were both gas-lighted by this man we loved. Have you ever been gas-lighted? Are you familiar with the term (or the movie of the same name)? Here is the definition (from Wikipedia):
Gaslighting is a form of mental abuse in which false information is presented with the intent of making a victim doubt his or her own memory, perception and sanity. Instances may range simply from the denial by an abuser that previous abusive incidents ever occurred, up to the staging of bizarre events by the abuser with the intention of disorienting the victim.
We were gaslighted by this sweet, loving, patient, kind, godly man--not to the extreme of the definition--but gaslighted just the same. My memoir describes my time with elduck123 (Oscar's Internet name) from start to finish in very candid detail. I didn't hold back and my honesty will more than likely shock you when you read it (if you choose to read it). I'll keep you posted on its state of publication. I shall close here. Until next time...
KH