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Saturday, May 26, 2012

Stuff I Hate


Gotta give equal time to the hate club. Here are some things I cannot abide:
Personalized license plates - they're pretentious and annoying (usually someone's bragging about something or saying something religious--those are the ones who'll be the first to flip you the bird if they think you cut them off) - their only redeeming quality is they're easy to memorize if you need to call the police on 'em.

When someone one ups you. If you did it once, they did it twice; if you got six stitches, they got sixteen; if you went on a Caribbean cruise, they went on a Mediterranean cruise--twice; if you saved a lot of money at the grocery store, they got their stuff free; if your car flipped over once, theirs flipped off a mountain; if your labor lasted 12 hours, theirs last 12 days. If you went to the state fair, they went to Disney World. OK, so  you get the point. And all of those things I just typed...all the same person.

When people talk loudly to their kids in public places and their conversation goes something like this: "No, Henry! We do not hit our little sister. We tell Mommy about the problem and Mommy handles it. Henry! Use your inside voice--remember? That's the quiet voice. Henry! You must not bite Olivia. Remember we talked about biting and biting is for eating our food. No, Henry, you may not have M&Ms. Remember we talked about how sugar makes you hyper and you can't get to sleep for naptime, but if you would like some flax seed, Mommy will buy you some. No, Henry, you may not have any more Matchbox cars until you stop sucking your thumb, wetting the bed at night and biting Olivia. Yes, Henry, when the new baby is born I will let you hold him. But remember you cannot help him hold his breath when he gets hiccups like you did for Olivia and almost killed her. Yes, Henry, Daddy will play with you when he gets tonight from his very important job. Remember how we talked about how Daddy is a superhero and he fights bad guys. Yes, Henry, you can have the damned candy and if you're bratty sister doesn't stop crying, I'll bite her, and if you pee the damned bed tonight you're going to sleep in it because Tide is damned expensive. And if you don't stop your sucking your damned thumb, you'll have beaver teeth and your thumb will fall off! And, no, Daddy doesn't have time to play with you because he's screwing the nanny and his secretary (who happens to be the same person, but that's a different rant) and no, you can't hold your new baby brother when he's born because I am going to SEND HIM BACK! And Mommy is allowed to drink before bedtime because she doesn't pee the bed and no, you cannot taste Mommy's drink because Mommy drinks big girl drinks. I KNOW IT LOOKS LIKE WATER BUT IT"S NOT! GOOD-NIGHT, Henry."

OK, so I probably hate a lot more stuff, but I think I'll stop here. I lost control for a moment but once I eat my flax seed, I'll be fine. But first, I have to Google flax seed. I don't think I know what it is.

1 comment:

  1. Oh, you're in fine form today! :) Miss hanging with you! Kath

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